Friday, December 13, 2013

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree,
How steadfast are your branches!
Your boughs are green in summer's clime
And through the snows of wintertime.
O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree,
How steadfast are your branches!

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree,
Your boughs can teach a lesson
That constant faith and hope sublime
Lend strength and comfort through all time.
O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree,
Your boughs can teach a lesson.

--More direct translation from the German
(and more meaningful)

Saturday, November 2, 2013

More for Lexophiles

  •  To write with a broken pencil is . . . pointless.        
  •  When fish are in schools they sometimes . . . take debate.        
  •  A thief who stole a calendar . . . got twelve months.        
  •  When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , . . . U.C.L.A.        
  •  The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes . . . was on shaky ground.        
  • The batteries were given out . . . free of charge.  
  •  A dentist and a manicurist got married. .. . . They fought tooth and nail.
  •  A will is a . . . dead giveaway.        
  •  With her marriage, she got a new name . .. . and a dress.
  •  Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you . . . A-flat miner.
  • You are stuck with your debt if . . . you can't budge it.
  •  Local Area Network in Australia : . . . The LAN down under.
  • A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat.
  • When you've seen one shopping center . . . you've seen a mall.
  • Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was . . .. resisting a rest.        
  • If you take a laptop computer for a run you could . . . jog your memory.
  • A bicycle can't stand alone; . . .. it is two tired.
  • In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
  •  When a clock is hungry . . .. it goes back four seconds.
  •  The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . . . was fully recovered.
  •  He had a photographic memory . . . which was never developed.
  •  Those who get too big for their britches will be . . . exposed in the end.
  •  When she saw her first strands of gray hair, . . . she thought she'd dye.
---From an anonymous e-mail circular 


Thursday, October 10, 2013

A Time for Everything

To paraphrase from words more divinely eloquent than mine:

"There is an appointed time for everything.  
And there is a time for every event under heaven ~
 A time to economize, and a time to expand;

A time to plant, and a time to uproot what is planted.
 A time to regulate, and a time to deregulate;

A time to criticize opponents, and a time to build consensus.
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

A time to mourn, and a time to dance.
A time to be merciful , and a time to close borders;

A time to embrace, and a time to shun embracing.
A time to search for truth, and a time to give up searching;

A time to expand business, and a time to support the environment.
A time to debate, and a time to bring together;

A time to be silent, and a time to speak.
 A time to love, and a time to hate;

A time for war, and a time for peace. 
What profit is there to the populace from our toils?  I have seen the task which God has given the sons of men: to be wise stewards of earthly resources to use in the Kingdom of God.  He has made everything appropriate in its time."   ----Marie Byars, from Ecclesiastes 3:1-11


Wednesday, October 2, 2013

"Summer ends, and autumn comes, and he who would have it otherwise would have high tide always and a full moon every night.   — Hal Borland

Saturday, September 7, 2013

What Do You Call....

Infant replay.

...a male surfer?
Man overboard.

carrot juice?
Hare tonic.      (Junior High Humor)


Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Holy Humor

During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.
She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?
A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.
Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say,
"And all girls."
This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"
Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.
"I don't need to," the boy replied.
"Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook. 
---anonymous e-mail circular

Saturday, June 1, 2013

More (*groan*) e-Mail Puns

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.                

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid,
but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went,
and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,
but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns.
It was a play on words.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory.
I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection -- urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A Thesaurus.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen.
The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro -- what a rip off!

And if you doubt the one about how Moses makes tea,
I assure you Israeli true.


Saturday, May 11, 2013

Mother's Day Blessings

Daughter (R), now preteen; Son (L), now 2nd grade

Almost looks like the same kid!  Seems like only yesterday...

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Slow It Down!

Now we have "O." Before we had "W." Together that's "OW." No wonder we're all hurting. Wild pendulum swings are painful.  --Marie Byars

Saturday, February 9, 2013

"The Fifth Marx Brother"

        Margaret Dumont (born Daisy Juliette Baker).  Believe it or not, this lovely lady went on to repeatedly play the stuffy, dowager widow in multiple Marx Brothers' movies.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

For Valentine's Day & Lent

" 'You shall love Yahweh [the LORD] your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.'  This is the first and great commandment.  And the second is like it: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' " ---Jesus (quoting Moses) in Matthew 23:37-39
"Love does no harm to a neighbor, therefore, Love is the fulfillment of the Law." --- St. Paul in Romans 13:10
"For anyone who keeps the whole Law, yet breaks it in one point, is guilty of breaking the whole Law."  ---James (presumably the half-brother of Jesus) in James 1:10
Which is why we ALL need a Savior.  And which is why He came.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

My Inconclusive Travels

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.
                                 ---anonymous (e-mail circular)