Witticisms & Aphorisms

Love Deeply & Loved Deeply

2012-02-02T17:15:00.000-08:00

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. This is how God showed His love among us: He sent His One and Only Son into the world that we might live through Him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the payment of our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we ought to also love each other.... If we love each other, God lives in us, and His love is made complete in us.... We love because God first loved us." ---St. John (from I John 4:7-12; 19)
Happy St. Valentine's Day!!!

The World WILL Go On!

2012-01-09T13:16:00.000-08:00

Dave Berry's 2011 in Review

2012-01-01T14:20:00.000-08:00

No body skewers a year like Dave Berry does! So, here's his look back at 2011:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/dave-barrys-year-in-review-the-2011-festival-of-sleaze/2011/12/08/gIQAyK5QTP_story.html

Blessed Christmas

2011-12-01T10:49:00.000-08:00

"When the right time had fully come, God sent His Son, born of a woman, born under the Law, to redeem those who [live under] the Las. This is so that we might receive the full rights of sons[and daughters]." ---St. Paul, Galatians 4:14

Give Thanks!

2011-11-06T12:16:00.000-08:00

Hallelu-Yah! Ho-du li'Yahweh; ki tov ki l'o-lam CHas-do.

Praise Yahweh! Give thanks unto Yahweh, For He is good; For His lovingkindness Lasts to eternity.

--Anonymous Hebrew (Psalms 136.1)

PARAPROSDOKIANS

2011-10-02T16:28:00.000-07:00

"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
31. "Where there's a will, I want to be in it."
---from an e-mail circular

More Understanding Ecomonics With Cows

2011-10-01T08:55:00.000-07:00

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

SOCIALISM
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNISM
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pour the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You drink some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You drink some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over all cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan . Exactly two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow has a split-personality.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
(It's so good to be a moderate & not want to buy into any of these fully!)

For an eariler version, use the link below

http://yaduck.blogspot.com/2009/04/understanding-economics-with-cows.html

2011-09-03T09:49:00.000-07:00

I've been taking a lot of criticism for being old school so I'm trying to get better. Usually on a weekend I just get one thing done so instead last weekend I tried multi-tasking and I got 4 things 1/4 done. In three more weekends I'll get them all done unless I continue to multi-task.
--Red Green, The Canadian "Handyman" Humorist

Oxymorons

2011-09-02T17:07:00.000-07:00

From an e-mail circular

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? 5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it is really "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
Why Indeed???

What Confucious Never Said

2011-08-30T17:39:00.000-07:00

(but should have!!!)

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Finally CONFUCIUS SAYS: "A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

2011-08-17T17:29:00.000-07:00

Where were YOU when Groucho died on August 19th, 1977? Alas, I give away my age when I say I was just starting 8th Grade!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Groucho_Marx

Think on These Things

2011-08-01T18:18:00.000-07:00

Finally, brothers [and sisters], whatever things are true, noble, upright, pure, lovely, of good report -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think upon these things. ---Philippians 4:8

Turn It Around!

2011-07-11T17:28:00.000-07:00

"There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist." ---Mark Twain (notebook)

Jesse Jackson Does Dr. Suess

2011-05-30T19:52:00.000-07:00

http://youtu.be/PPxPciXcJvc

This is a classic: Jesse Jackson does his best parody of Jesse Jackson reading Green Eggs & Ham.

FOR ALL YOU LEXOPHILES

2011-05-29T05:48:00.000-07:00

(LOVERS OF WORDS)
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Don't join dangerous cults: practice safe sects.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

8. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

9. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

10. A calendar's days are numbered.

11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

13. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

15. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

16. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye..

18. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

19. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

21. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

23. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

24. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

25. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

26. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

27. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

28. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

29. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

30. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

31. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

32. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said 'No change yet'

---from an e-mail circular

Truer Words

2011-05-22T12:54:00.001-07:00

From a "Frazz" cartoon: I can relate!

2011-05-19T17:11:00.000-07:00

Seen on a bumper sticker: "Those that can, teach; those that can't tell teachers how they should teach."

Cartoon America

2011-04-12T06:03:00.000-07:00

One voiced a cartoon character ["Fat Albert"]; the other IS a cartoon character! And, yet, they're carrying on the most prominent debate of U.S. direction.

2011-04-09T18:51:00.000-07:00

Go, Gates!

2011-04-03T14:30:00.000-07:00

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates took the unpopular but enlightened stance that we don't need to arm someone just because they're our "enemy of the moment"---who knows what they'll turn out to be like in the long-term future?? This current drawing of the line is in regard to Libyan rebels. But how many times has America made this foolish mistake before? The Shah of Iran, Haiti, previous encounters in Afghanistan, etc., etc. C'mon, folks: we need to develop the cultural sensibility of looking to the long term before just arming people or taking one side of a fight that isn't ours!

2011-03-06T13:03:00.000-08:00

http://yaduck.blogspot.com/2008/03/happy-st-pats.html

We All Need a Little Sun

2011-02-03T14:12:00.000-08:00

This whole country has been "plastered" by that huge snowstorm recently. To cheer you up.

The Quality of Today's Recruits

2011-02-02T15:16:00.000-08:00

The Love of God

2011-02-01T14:15:00.000-08:00

"Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God....This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down His life for us." --John the Apostle; (I John 4: 7b; 3: 16a)

Happy St. Valentine's Day!!!

Marx My Words

2011-01-28T14:45:00.000-08:00

Have you heard of the Marx Brothers' lesser-known rock 'n' roll brother?? Led Zeppo???
(hee, hee)

Dave Barry's Take on 2011

2011-01-02T12:55:00.000-08:00

Nobody does a year-end review like Dave!!!

http://www.miamiherald.com/2011/01/01/1992746/dave-barrys-2010-year-in-review.html

Enjoy Some "Duck Soup"

2011-01-01T09:12:00.000-08:00

Why the title Duck Soup?!?!?! Earlier (in 1927), director Leo McCarey had made a two-reel Laurel and Hardy film with the same title - and he used it again.
The film's title uses a slang phrase familiar in early 20th century America. It means anything "simple" or "easy", or alternately, a "gullible sucker" or "pushover." The film has become a classic--the ultimate send-up of power-hungry dictators.
Groucho supposedly provided the following recipe to explain the title: "Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life." (Under the opening credits, four quacking ducks [stylized four Marx Brothers] swim & simmer in a heating kettle.)

2010-12-18T18:26:00.001-08:00

It has been said that when Satan was kicked out of heaven, he landed right in the choir loft! (Maybe on the organ bench?) ---Anonymous
But I try very, very, very hard not to be "the temperamental musican"!!! And to be kind & responsive to what non-musical parishioners tell me is helpful or meaningful to them.

Unforgotten Hospitality

2010-12-15T09:12:00.000-08:00

While [Mary & Joseph] were [in Bethlehem], the time came for her Child to be born, and she gave birth to her first-born Son. She wrapped Him in infant wrapping-cloths and laid Him in a manger, because there was no room for Him in the inn. ---Luke 2:7

[Jesus said], "....when I was a stranger, you invited Me in." ---Matthew 25:35b

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Aggressive B-Ball

2010-11-28T17:58:00.000-08:00

President Obama just got an elbow in the mouth playing basketball. It required 12 stitches to fix it. I bet there's LOTS of Republicans who wished they could've gotten a piece of THAT action!

Dancing with the PACs

2010-11-20T20:58:00.000-08:00

National politics on "Dancing with the Stars?" Oh, come off it!!!

And now for the non-DWTS politics: we basically need AT LEAST this many parties: the socially conservative party, the fiscally conservative party, the moderately conservative party, the centrist party (which would be allowed to use the name "Progressive"), the slightly left party (which would be allowed to use the name "Populist"), the very socially left party, the Green Party and the Libertarian Party. And let the PAC's try & buy all THEM off!!!! My BIGGEST political statement is that we need to break out of the 2-party system and force our government to work as a coaliton government to get more voices heard instead of, as a voter,having to buy into a "block" of issues with a certain party!

Peanuts Final Cartoon

2010-11-14T19:40:00.000-08:00

Peanuts Halloween

2010-10-11T09:09:00.000-07:00

If They'd Have Had Facebook....

2010-09-28T10:56:00.000-07:00

Please pardon what you find objectionable.....it's pretty funny stuff!

[Time Doesn't Always Heal]

2010-09-24T09:10:00.000-07:00

They say that 'time assuages,'--
Time never did assuage;
An actual suffering strengthens,
As sinews do, with age.

Time is a test of trouble,
But not a remedy.
If such it prove, it prove too
There was no malady.
---Emily Dickenson

A Little Vet Humor

2010-09-18T17:05:00.000-07:00

Q: What do veterinarians do all day?
A: "Lab" work & "CAT" scans! (ouch!)

Fall Food Fun

2010-09-09T16:24:00.000-07:00

More of a Dog's Life

2010-08-26T11:30:00.001-07:00

A Dog's Life

2010-08-25T03:59:00.000-07:00

A Guy's Brain in a Girl's Body

2010-07-02T19:52:00.001-07:00

From an e-mail from a good friend of mine (*sigh*): "You mentioned that someone thought you were to guyish, too cold. Well, I was also told that I was too aggressive and I scared my younger male manager....Only one out of a whole line of managers who gave me exceptional work evaluations. But, traits that are well tolerated in males are not as popular in women. They come with more negative descriptions. Strength and authority are seen as aggressive and domineering...... blah-blah-blah. It's the nature of strong women to be criticized because of their bold character...Is it my PMS or are some people getting worse? I think it's my age. This phase will pass too. I would love a break from these things so I just ignore them as much as possible during the day... It eats away at my sleep though. So, I'm taking my advice and riding it out."

Just for Today

2010-06-05T20:51:00.000-07:00

"Oh, Lord, let me never forget how replaceable I am to the world
Nor how irreplaceable I am to you. Amen." ---Marie Byars

More (Groan) e-Mail Puns

2010-05-20T17:38:00.001-07:00

Here are the top 10 winners in the International Pun Contest:
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The Stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town
thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And, finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Just for Fun

2010-05-19T10:02:00.000-07:00

BANE & WOE
Naughty, naughty, Poison Ivy:
Touch my skin and make me hive-y.
Blotchy skin and splotchy face:
Itchy, itchy every place!
Should have looked a little closer,
Maybe purchased from a grocer;
Should have brought a field guide:
Now I've got that stuff inside!
Thought I knew the out-of-doors---
Wandered over hills and moors---
Now I think I'll stay at home:
'Til tomorrow---then I'll roam.
---C. Marie Byars, 1986

How's That?

2010-05-04T13:40:00.000-07:00

"How come we believe both the truisms 'The Devil is in the details' & 'Cleanliness is next to Godliness'??? I mean, doesn't cleanliness involve paying attention to details?" (ha, ha!) --Marie Byars

Myers-Briggs at Dessert

2010-04-13T14:40:00.000-07:00

For those of you familiar with the Myers-Briggs personality inventory, here are some responses to "Would you like a piece of pie?"

Sensor/Perceiver: "Am I hungry?"
Sensor/Judger: "Is it time for dessert?"
Intuitive/Thinker: "Am I in control?"
Intuitive/Feeler: "Will it made me feel good?"
---Otto Kroeger & Janet Thuesen in Type Talk

Happy Spring!

2010-03-20T17:09:00.000-07:00

Padding along the eastern side of the lake in the still of the morning, we soon saw a few sheldrakes, which the Indian [guide Joseph Polis] calle Shecorways...we also saw and heard loons, Medawisla, which he said was a sign of wind. ---"Allegash & East Branch"; Henry David Thoreau

A Thought During Lent

2010-02-24T18:18:00.000-08:00

Man, his days are as grass;
As a flower of the field he thus flourishes.
The wind blows over it, and it is not;
And its own place remembers is no more.
---Psalm 103: 15

Educated Puns (Groan)

2010-02-11T12:29:00.000-08:00

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. Shewas only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie.
10. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
(From an e-mail circular)

The Quality of Mercy

2010-01-30T15:09:00.000-08:00

The quality of mercy is not strained.
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath. It is twice blest:
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.
Tis mightiest in the mightiest; it becomes
The throned monarch better than his crown.
His scepter shows the force of temporal power,
The attribute to awe and majesty,
Wherein doth sit the dread and fear of kings.
But mercy is above this sceptered sway;
It is enthroned in the hearts of kings;
It is an attribute of God himself;
And earthly power doth then show like God's
When mercy seasons justice.

---William Shakespeare; 1600
(Portia’s speech in Act IV, Scene 1 of The Merchant of Venice)

2010-01-09T12:31:00.000-08:00

There is POWER in sitting down & working things out. In getting & giving forgiveness and compromising. A sense of POWERLESSNESS comes when no "working out" can be done: when people "assume" or "bolt" or start rumors or put others down or co-opt things so there is no real discussion. Share the power! ---Marie Byars

Earned Respect

2010-01-06T16:37:00.000-08:00

"I have trouble respecting people who don't question themselves---at least occasionally!" ---Marie Byars

2010-01-04T14:58:00.001-08:00

Q: What's a cat's favorite button on the DVD player?

A: The "paws" (pause) button.

---from a popsicle stick

2009-12-21T15:42:00.001-08:00

"...and in a stable cold & dark, Mary's little Boy Child was born." ---Jester Hairston from "Mary's Little Boy Child"

The "Right" War

2009-12-04T19:05:00.001-08:00

Follow up to 9/11---this is what the war in Afghanistan is all about. How soon we forgot that with our weariness over the Iraq War. May God bless our troops there. ---Marie Byars

2009-11-20T15:30:00.000-08:00

"The best things in life aren't free---they're priceless!" ---Marie Byars

2009-11-20T15:27:00.000-08:00

Q: What's the most requested pop song at Notre Dame Cathedral?
A: "Gargoyles Just Wanna Have Fun!" (ouch!)

Laymen's Guide to Pregnancy Terms

2009-11-16T20:26:00.000-08:00

Baby Most common pop song lyric
Baby Shower Actually, baths are recommended
Birth Canal Formerly known as "Love Canal"
Booties What's shakin' at the club
Cesarean Section Where Julius always sat at the Coliseum
Coach How you can afford to fly after Baby comes
Cravings Why you're sold on "Ben" and "Jerry" for baby names
Delivery Pizza or Chinese?
Due Date Librarians' top concern
Engorged Why your cups runneth over
Fatigue French for "overweight"
Fertilization Why you're growing at this rapid rate
Fetus "We're hungry!"
Genes What you won't be fitting into for awhile
Heartbeat Amount of time it takes to get pregnant
Lamaze L.A. Freeways
Maternity Synonym for "achy & tired"
Morning Sickness Bringing up dinner at breakfast
2 O'Clock Feedings No, not late lunches with "the girls"
Placenta Italian food made from cornmeal
Rocker Bowie, Jagger, Van Halen, etc.
Stretch Marks Groucho's taller brother
Umbilical Cord A real love connection
Vitamins Great Supplement to pickles & ice cream
Womb The best prenatal unit there is!

A Moderate Manifesto

2009-10-27T12:48:00.000-07:00

I'm one of those people who identify themselves as a political moderate, even a registered Independent. I'm one of those people both political parties seek, hoping I'll "swing" to their "side" without actually offering a platform that truly satisfies me. I happen to be a moderate with convictions, unlike the characterization some people make of "moderates", that we're people who can't make up our minds. This is one moderate's view of where she'd like things to go. Other moderates would weigh individual issues in alternately more conservative or more liberal ways than I do.
(1) I'm very proud to be an American. But I don't assume that we have to all agree to equally have pride in our country.
(2) My Christian faith is EXTREMELY important to me. Yet, I'm not lobbying for prayer is school. I'm much more concerned that my family and other Christian families are praying at home.
(3) I don't really want religion taught in school. I'm a moderately conservative Lutheran. I wouldn't want a strict fundamentalist Christian teaching the Bible in public school and possible strong-arming my children into their beliefs. And what if a person were in Utah and Mormons taught religion in public school because it was allowed? I don't want that for my children, either. Parents can pull their own Bibles off their shelves, dust them off, and teach religion very well at home devotions.
(4) We need for English to be our official language. We're a nation of immigrants from MANY countries, not just Spanish-speaking ones. I totally agree that our incoming immigrants should be offered English as a Second Language classes and coached into American citizenship and the English language.
(5) The strength and preeminence of our country in the world needs to rest more on our ideas than on our might. Our world is too interconnected and yet too fragmented for "might makes right" to work anymore.
(6) We need to provide some basic standard of living items to our citizens: health insurance, food, and green open spaces (parks) to maintain the bodies and refresh the spirits of all our citizens. This will give everyone a more equal chance to succeed. Beyond that, we still need to have a strong sense of personal accountability and responsibility.
(7) We have to accept that even though "all men are created equal" in regards to how they stand before their Creator, everyone is not gifted the same way. Because of this, not everyone will be able to rise to the same level of prominence. Some are more intelligent, some are more athletic, some are more artistic, etc. It's not realistic to expect that they will all attain the same standard of living.
(8) Even though we cannot expect the SAME standard of living for everyone, there needs to be a basic minimum set, below which we will not let working people fall, regardless of what sort of unskilled labor they might be doing. Not only is this basic and decent, it's good for the ongoing survival of a democracy. Democracies need strong middle classes, and ours is being eroded more and more into the very rich and the poor.
(9) BOTH guns AND abortions need limits on them! While I personally abhor ANY type of abortion, I do not believe that they will ever be outlawed. I also don't think so many people need to run around with AK-47's or concealed handguns. This is just crazy! No other country in the world allows this sort of thing. And it shows: we are an extremely violent nation by comparison. This being said, I'm still for allowing hunters to do what they do. It's just that neither the NRA nor NOW need to be setting the national agenda as much as they do. Especially not when you find out that the majority of the electorate IS more towards the middle on things.
(10) Abortion and Birth Control: While I would personally like my own children to remain abstinent until marriage, we live in a country where that is not everyone's morality. If we want fewer abortions, we need to talk more realistically about having people use birth control more consistently. It's great to teach abstinence in school, but teach about birth control, too. Parents and church youth groups can pick up on and emphasize the abstinence portion far better than public school programs can.
(11) People should not be "muzzled" from sharing their faith in public settings. But it should not be allowed to devolved into argumentativeness. At some point, we have to learn to "disagree without being disagreeable."
(12) People ACROSS the spectrum need to give some serious thought to this when they approach the topic of alternative sexualities. (And why would you shun someone who's not "straight", if you believe that's wrong, more than you would shun a "straight" person who commits adultery?)
(13) We need to slow the tide of immigration and stem the tide of illegal immigration until we can integrate the diverse population we already have. But we need to do these things in humane ways: Sheriff Joe marching suspected illegal immigrants through downtown Phoenix in chains is deplorable and unworthy of what it means to be an American!
(14) Our own citizens need to take those jobs illegal aliens are taking and attempt to get off TANF. On the other hand, we need to make sure our own citizens are paid a living wage and possibly supplemented indefinitely with food stamps and healthcare as long as they are working. (15) And NO job, if it's honorable, should be looked down on. No worker should be treated as if they are "less" because they're a busboy or a street sweeper. To be elitist towards American workers we perceive as "lower" is, to me, one of the worst forms of anti-Americanism there is!!! Everyone who works is a part of what keeps this nation ticking along, able to do greater things.
(16) Americans were once known for what was called "Yankee ingenuity." Let's apply that to green technology and get out in front of the world again in a new way!

Disenchantment

2009-10-03T13:59:00.000-07:00

(I'm borrowing Emily's words to describe my discoveries about "The Land of Enchantment", where I had once very badly wanted to live.)
It dropped so low in my regard
I heard it hit the ground,
And to go pieces on the stones
At bottom of my mind;

Yet blamed the fate that fractured, less
Than I reviled myself
For entertaining plated wares*
Upon my silver shelf.
----Emily Dickinson
*Putting the cheap(er) silver plate items in a special place with the really valuable & important stuff.

Obama to U.N.

2009-09-23T18:34:00.000-07:00

Glad to hear Obama speak straight up to the U.N. Even if you're a conservative, there was something to admire in his way of telling the assembly straight up that you can't blame the U.S. for everything & then expect us to fix all the world's problems. And he called the world to account for the ongoing genocide, among other things.
(I happen to be a political moderate, an Independent, one of those people that the political parties scramble to bend their messages for to try & capture our votes but for whom they won't actually create appealing, moderate, sensible platforms. So, I would've liked "some" of what the Prez, said, anyway!)

Ideas to Live By

2009-08-28T18:56:00.000-07:00

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio:
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My 'odometer' rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will.. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day... Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
45-1/2. (added by Marie): Nothing really matters much more than "Jesus loves me this I know." And how? "For the Bible tells me so."
(Thanks to my long-term friend, Beth, for sending me this!!!!)

Common Consumables

2009-08-21T14:55:00.001-07:00

"My works are like water. The works of the great masters are like wine. But everyone drinks water." ---Mark Twain, in his Notebook

Musical Snobbery

2009-08-04T11:12:00.001-07:00

"An unalterable and unquestioned law of the musical world required that the German text of French operas sung by Swedish artists should be translated into Italian for the clearer understanding of English-speaking audiences." ---Edith Wharton in The Age of Innocence; 1920

Legal Eagles

2009-07-14T15:41:00.000-07:00

As the Marx Brothers were planning to make a movie called A Night in Casablanca, Warner Brothers Pictures threatened legal action because they had made Casablanca five years before. Here are excerpts from some actual letters Groucho sent to the Warner Bros. legal department:

Dear Warner Brothers:
...up to the time we contemplated making this picture, I had no idea that the city of Casablanca belonged exclusively to Warner Brothers...It seems that in 1471, Ferdinand Balboa Warner, your great-great-grandfather, while looking for a shortcut to the city of Burbank, stumbled on the shores of Africa and...named it Casablanca...You claim you own Casablanca and that no one else can use that name without your permission. What about "Warner Brothers"? Do you own that, too? You probably have the right to use the name Warner, but what about Brothers? Professionally, we were brothers long before you were...

Sincerely, Groucho Marx

His letter, of course, confused the Warner Brothers' legal department. They sent a letter with a serious request for a plot outline (like there's ever much of a "plot" in Marx Bros. movies!). Groucho wrote back with a wildly fictitious outline. Being even more confused (and lacking any sense of humor!), the lawyers wrote again, saying they still didn't understand the story line and would appreciate Groucho sending a detailed story line. Here are excerpts from his third letter:

Dear Brothers:
Since I last wrote you, I regret to say there have been some changes in the plot our our new picture...I play Bordello, the sweetheart of Humphrey Bogart. Harpo and Chico are itinerant rug peddlers who are weary of laying rugs and enter a monastery just for a lark. This is a good joke on them, as there has not been a lark in the place for fifteen years...In the fifth reel, Gladstone* makes a speech that sets the House of Commons in an uproar, and the King promptly asks for his resignation...Humphrey Bogart's girl, Bordello, spends her last years in a Bacall house. This, as you can see, is a very skimpy outline. The only thing that can save us from extinction is a continuation of the film shortage.

Fondly, Groucho Marx

*William Gladstone was prime minister four times in the latter part of the 19th century, under Queen Victoria's rule and was the dominant voice of the Liberal Party. He made several rousing speeches in this capacity.

There were no more letters after this.

Being Happy

2009-06-04T19:07:00.000-07:00

It is an aspect of all happiness to suppose that we deserve it. ---AEsop

Indeed, a person wishes to be happy, even when he lives in such a way as to make happiness impossible. ---St. Augustine

Ageless & Priceless

2009-05-29T20:03:00.001-07:00

"Nature gives you the face you have at 20; it is up to you to merit the face you have at 50." ---Gabrielle "Coco" Chanel in Ladies' Home Journal (1956).

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." ---Lucille Ball, Uncommon Scold (1989).

Report from a Pastor Search Committee

2009-05-06T13:34:00.000-07:00

(a typical American church trying to get the pastor they think they deserve):
We do not have a good report: we haven't been able to find a suitable candidate for this church, though we have one promising prospect.
Thank you for your previous suggestions. We followed up on each with interviews or by calling at least three references. The following is our confidential report:
NOAH: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
JOSEPH: A big thinker, but a braggart; believes in dream interpreting and has a prison record.
MOSES: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator; even stutters at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly in business meetings. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.
DEBORAH: One word --- Female.
DAVID: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife.
SOLOMON: Great preacher, but serious woman problem. (He had 700 wives & 300 common-law wives.)
ELIJAH: Prone to depression; collapses under pressure.
HOSEA: A tender and loving pastor, but our people could never handle his wife's occupation. (She was a prostitute; God had actually told Hosea to marry her as an "object lesson.")
JONAH: Told us he was swallowed up by a great fish. He said the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
AMOS: Too much of a country hick. Backward and unpolished. With some seminary training, he might have promise; but he has a hang-up against wealthy people.
JOHN: Says he is a Baptist, but doesn't dress like one. May be too Pentecostal. Tends to lift both hands in the air to worship when he gets excited. You know we limit to one hand. Sleeps in the outdoors, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
PETER: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper, even said to have cursed. He's a loose cannon.
PAUL: Powerful CEO type and fascinating preacher. However, he's short on tact, unforgiving with young ministers, harsh, and has been known to preach all night.
TIMOTHY: Too young.
JESUS: Has had popular times, but once when his church grew to 5000, He managed to offend them all; and his church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he is single.
JUDAS: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday in view of a call.

The Laws of Ultimate Reality

2009-04-19T16:10:00.000-07:00

(from an e-mail circular):
Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law
If you change lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson 's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Understanding Economics with Cows

2009-04-10T13:00:00.000-07:00

...LONG-AGO CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.You sell them and retire on the income.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.
VENTURE CAPITALISM (U.S. 2006-2008)
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
U.S. 2009
You have no cows.
No one else has any cows.
The government buys you one cow
Which your children will pay for.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one,
milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads,
because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows.
None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of
Democracy....
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you.

Bargain Basement

2009-03-12T19:20:00.000-07:00

"The New York Stock Exchange is now a 99-Cent Store!" ---David Letterman on The Late Show; March 10, 2009

Quantities of Food

2009-03-01T15:46:00.000-08:00

Q: "Where do mathematicians like to eat?"

A: "On multiplication tables!" ----anonymous children's joke

EEEWWW!!!!!

2009-02-14T13:08:00.001-08:00

Q: What has 2 tongues, 24 eyes, and smells bad?
A: A pair of old tennis shoes! ---Anonymous kids' joke

Car Troubles

2009-02-14T13:04:00.000-08:00

Q: What happens to old car mufflers?
A: They become "exhausted"!!! ---Anonymous children's pun

Scapegoat

2009-01-30T17:40:00.000-08:00

"Nigerian police arrested a goat for trying to steal a car. They say the thief changed himself into a goat using black magic before his arrest. The governors of Illinois would get away with everything if they could get the secret to this trick." ---Argus Hamilton in "The Lighter Side"; January, 2009

Change of Fortune

2009-01-05T07:55:00.000-08:00

"Don't forget---the stockholder of yesterday is the stowaway* of today." ---Groucho Marx in Monkey Business

*Stowaway, as in someone who sneaks aboard a ship without paying fare. (The first part of the movie, the Marx Brothers' characters were stowaways.)

Thoughts on Time

2008-12-29T19:32:00.000-08:00

(on entering a new year)
From everlasting to everlasting
You are God.
For a thousand years in Your eyes
Are as a day just passed
Or as a watch served in the night.
The days which we are given--
In them is seventy years;
Or if there is strength,
Eighty years.
Teach us our days thus to reckon
So that we may obtain a heart of wisdom.
---Moses, from Psalm 90
(translated by C. Marie Byars)

What's "Shoe" with You??

2008-12-17T08:53:00.000-08:00

"President Bush was holding a surprise press conference in Baghdad when an Iraqi journalist stood up and threw two shoes at him. It's inexcusable. If they had as much security in Baghdad as they have at an American airport, none of those guys would have had their shoes on."
---Argus Hamilton, "The Lighter Side"; 15 December, 2008

HAPPY HOLIDAY TRAVELS (or "travails")!!!

Recycling Tip #783

2008-11-20T22:05:00.000-08:00

The sign on the guard tower says, "Welcome to Guantanamo Bay." The handcuffed & terrified men walking in single file wear shirts that say "Fannie Mae Chief", "Freddie Mac Chief", "Bear Stearns,", "AIG", "WaMu Bank", etc. And the happily whistling entrance guard is joyously tossing the "Torture Rules" booklet into the garbage. ---The Philadelphia Daily News Editorial Cartoon; October 3, 2008

Twain Party Politics

2008-10-13T13:39:00.000-07:00

"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself" ---Mark Twain: A Biography; Albert Bigelow Paine

"Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can." ---"What Is Man?" (essay)

"Where every man has a vote, brutal laws are impossible." ---A Yankee in King Arthur's Court

2008-09-03T10:13:00.000-07:00

Man, his days are like grass;
As a flower of the field, he thus flourishes:
The wind blows over it and it is not,
And its own place remembers it no more.
But from everlasting to everlasting
Yahweh's love is with those who revere Him
---David; Psalm 130:15

Successful Failure

2008-08-16T14:08:00.000-07:00

"Failure after long perseverance is much grander than never to have a striving good enough to be called a failure." ---George Eliot [pseudonym for author Mary Ann Evans], Middlemarch (1871-2)

Un-Hidden Talents

2008-08-16T14:03:00.000-07:00

"Be true to yourselves; cherish whatever talent you possess, and in using it faithfully for the good of others you will most assuredly find happiness for yourself, and make of life no failure, but a beautiful success." ---Louisa May Alcott; "Happy Women" in The New York Ledger (1868)

In His Own Best Interests

2008-08-08T19:13:00.000-07:00

"Bill Clinton said he regretted some things he said in the campaign, but he denied making any racist statements. It never made sense that he would. Why would he mess up his chance to pick up college girls by saying something bad about Barak Obama?" ---Argus Hamilton in "The Lighter Side", August 6, 2008

Los Ranchos de Deneiros

2008-08-02T11:43:00.000-07:00

Here's a fact of southwestern living: if a village or suburb has the name "Farm", "Ranch" or "Rancho" in it, the place, in fact, has no farms or ranches. And real estate there will be mucho expensive. And if a place has "Santa Fe" in the name you will have to have a LOT of "Holy Faith" and a whole lot more pesos to live there! ---Marie Byars

If at First You Don't Succeed

2008-08-01T07:12:00.000-07:00

"Flops are part of life's menu, and I've never been a girl to miss out on any of the courses." ---Rosalind Russell (actress) in the New York Herald Tribune (1957)

Getting Serious

2008-07-25T23:32:00.001-07:00

It's one thing to take the Bible seriously; it's quite another matter entirely to take yourself seriously!!! ---Marie Byars

Never Fear

2008-07-19T10:58:00.000-07:00

"I am never afraid of what I know." ---Anna Sewell; Black Beauty (1877)

The Way I See It #233

2008-07-05T14:16:00.000-07:00

"I used to think that going to the jungle made my life an adventure. However, after years of unusual work in exotic places, I realize that it is not how far off I go or how deep into the forest I walk that gives my life meaning. I see that living life fully* is what makes life---anyone's life, no matter where they do or do not go---an adventure." ---Maria Fadiman, National Geographic explorer (from a Starbuck's coffee cup)

*Actually, life in God is where the real adventure and purpose of life are. But if you aren't in Him, this secular substitute is about the best human wisdom there is for a full life.

Anglo/American Humor

2008-07-02T11:18:00.000-07:00

Q: When do the Brits celebrate Thanksgiving Day?
A: On the Fourth of July.

Q: How do Aussies get a purse away from a crocodile?
A: Give it a "Yank."

(Considering we pulled their bacon out of the fire in two World Wars & still have far better cuisine, I think we "Yanks" have the last laugh!)

Thoughts on "Joy"

2008-06-30T18:17:00.000-07:00

Hi! I am JOY / A fruit of the Spirit;
I come to all Christians / But am often neglected. . .
I dance through creation / And make the stars twinkle
And fill the dry ground / When rain starts to sprinkle. . .
I'm there in all seasons / I love them ALL best.
After a day of hard work / Together we rest. . .
I haunted the Maker / Before He made time;
When all was pronounced good / The pleasure was mine. . .
I bestowed warmth upon earth / At Easter's SON-rise;
I'll escort you to heaven / When someday YOU rise!
---Marie Byars, 1984 (extractions from a longer poem)

An Erma Bombeck Life*

2008-06-19T13:30:00.000-07:00

Nature abhors a vacuum. And so do I. Especially since it's moving time! ---Marie Byars

*Erma Bombeck was a humorist who wrote mostly on the drudgery of household upkeep.

Bad History

2008-06-07T17:38:00.000-07:00

Q: Why were the Middle Ages called "the Dark Ages"?

A: Because of all the (k)nights! ---Anonymous

(More) Reasons to Hate SUV's!!!

2008-06-07T17:33:00.000-07:00

We already know the $4.00+ gallon-a-gas reason to hate 'em. Here are more: (1) they obnoxiously slow down to .0001 m.p.h. to make a simple right turn around a corner; (2) they take 4.7 minutes to go from 0-15 m.p.h., clogging up traffic behind them waiting to pull out when the light turns green (my 4-cylinder stick shift starts out much faster w/o burning up fuel!); (3) they may not get smashed up as much as a compact in an accident, but they roll easier (and compacts are easier to navigate away from an accident, anyway!). ---Marie Byars

The Desert

2008-05-31T12:35:00.000-07:00

"Night comes to the desert all at once, as if someone turned off the light." ---Joyce Carol Oates; "Interior Monologue" (1969)

Common Roots

2008-05-31T12:32:00.000-07:00

"There is no king who has not had a slave among his ancestors, and no slave who has not had a king among his." ---Helen Keller; The Story of My Life (1903)

Blind Optimism

2008-05-21T21:40:00.000-07:00

"Hilary's [Clinton] nothing if not an optimist: she sees the pantsuit as half full." ---David Letterman; 20 May 2008

Higher Education

2008-05-19T17:09:00.000-07:00

The faculty members might just as well keep their seats. There'll be no diving for this cigar. . .Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his [the introducing professor's] speech. . .As I look out over your eager faces, I can readily understand why this college is flat on its back. The last college I presided over, things were slightly different. I was flat on my back. Things kept going from bad to worse, but we all put our shoulders to the wheel, and it wasn't long before I was flat on my back again. " ---Groucho Marx, in his first speech as a new college president in Horse Feathers

True Humility

2008-05-14T17:58:00.000-07:00

God loves us, not because of who WE are, but because of who HE is. ---Marie Byars

Happy Mother's Day!

2008-05-09T19:33:00.000-07:00

Children are the most delightful pledges of a loving marriage. They are the best wool on the sheep. ---Martin Luther

It is well known that children, according to the ordinary course of things, bear not only the physical appearance of their parents, but also their moral and mental characteristics. ---Martin Luther

In all simplicity, and without any argument, children believe that God is gracious and that there is an eternal life. ----Martin Luther

Try Something New

2008-05-06T09:29:00.001-07:00

Here's a novel thought: how about putting more people with a sociology or cultural anthropology background into the State Department??? ---Marie Byars