Original Shakespeare Pun

Q: How are a personal security agent and a flamboyant poet alike?

A: One is a "bodyguard" and the other is a "gaudy bard." ---Marie Byars       

The Mighty Baywolf (spoof of an epic)

[with NO apologies to Beowulf nor my high school English teachers]

There is a Saxon Fierce
As strong as 30 steers
Who claims he's felt no fears
In all his 80 years.
'Round him rise up jeers
From warriors chugging beers.
Baywolf rises as he leers
Greeted by his brave band's cheers.
What I see now does certainly beat all
In this, the cold and stench-filled mead hall:
Baywolf, standing proud and tall
Sees his opponents 'round him fall
As his troops prepare to maul.

Soon all that are left are a foolish two
Who faint in fear when Baywolf says "Boo."

"Beowulf", 1910
from Hero-Myths and Legends of the British Race; in the public domain 

Baywolf, the victor, feels quite bold
And turns to his men, ready to scold:
"Comrades-in-arms, you know I am old
And down to my bones I am always cold.
But, you, young men, are not very bold,
For rather than bathe, you're covered with mold.
And unless we kill this bard, 'twill always be told
How, among us, this ignominious day
Men fell around us this disgraceful way
As your own odor greeted each nose,
And they fell dead, without any blows."

As they turn on me quickly,
I let out a plea:
If before I die, they'll humor me,
And find me a word that rhymes with "orange."

----C. Marie Byars, (c) 1985
 

No April Foolin'

 

Photo taken & "improved" by my daughter. My "alter ego", Groucho Marx.

      

     Although it was out-of-step with my peers, I have been a fan of the Marx Brothers since I was very young.  I gravitated towards Groucho's wit. 

     As my son was growing up, he gravitated towards Harpo's contribution.  He loved the outrageous miming.  We also read various books and accounts that described how "sweet" Harpo was in real life.  (Groucho was acerbic in real life, due to chronic disappointment and worry.)

     For a talent show in school one year, my son drew inspiration from the I Love Lucy episode with Harpo Marx.  This, itself, drew inspiration from the mirror scene in Duck Soup.  Although I was far taller than my 1st grade son, we both dressed as "Harpo" with wigs and cheap top hats and horns.  I had to give a bit of explanation to the audience-- even many of the parents had no idea of the references.  But we did well miming.

  Below are some YouTube videos to give you an idea of the original scenes. Because I don't sign into accounts all over the place, I can't embed them in the same way.  But the links will work. 

Duck Soup: The Mirror Scene - Duck Soup (7/10) Movie CLIP (1933) HD

I Love Lucy: Lucille Ball and Harpo Marx the Mirror Routine

The 50 Shades of the Picture of Dorian Christian Grey

[literary spoof of trash reading for the high-minded*]

"Yes, Dorian, you will always be fond of me.  I represent to you all the sins you have never had the courage to commit."  --Oscar Wilde; The Picture of Dorian Gray.  

Dorian Christian Grey was exceptionally good-looking and successful in business... whatever that business was.  His friends keep reminding him of how handsome he is.  He sees other people in business aging, being treated as irrelevant, and, well, just not looking "hot" anymore.

 

Dorian had had his portrait painted by an up-and-coming artist.  The portrait and Grey's patronage launched this painter.  But now, Dorian decides he will make a deal with the dark side: he will sell his eternal soul for eternal youth.  His aging and every ugly deed he does will show up on the portrait, instead, which he keeps hidden.

 

 He seduces and marries a young girl, "Anesthesia" (because she quickly dulls the mind, being so vapid). After a few "off-beat" encounters with her (which he had insisted upon, despite her half-hearted commitment), Grey decides he needs something much more bizarre to maintain interest.  He makes Ana sign a contract adhering to absolute secrecy on her part, agreeing to do whatever he says. He then shows her the portrait and forces her to do weird, unspeakable things with it. (Therefore, I will not speak of them.  But, unfortunately for her, they do not involve body paint.) 

 

 

There are other sources of twisted enjoyment for Grey in this bizarre set-up. He also takes some sort of strange pleasure out of watching his portrait and his wife age while he does not.   He furthermore gets a cheap thrill that "runs like electric current through the very core of his being" [just had to throw in the gratuitous Harlequin romance-type comment] by having her always refer to him as "Mr. Grey, sir."  He enjoys her degradation at watching the French maid (another gratuitous addition) refer to him as "Mon Cheri" or "Babycakes."

 

This goes on for decades.  However, the French maids come and go because, well, they aren't "hot" anymore. Ana realizes his immortal soul is in danger... and, amazingly, she still cares.  At last, she throws caution to the wind and saves them both.   She throws the portrait in the fire, and he instantly ages. 

 

Grey feels freed and embraces his new life... a life in Depends, which by now has become a "fetish" for both of them. With his business connections, they become spokespeople for Depends and meet Mick Jagger on the Rolling Stones Depends Tour. 

 

They all live happily ever after... well, at least for about five years.  Then the Grim Reaper, with cold and calculated precision [another gratuitous trite phrase] aims his steady scythe first at Dorian. Ana, seeing this, throws herself on the Reaper's scythe [thanks, Will, for that literary device from Romeo & Juliet].  As the reader can see, even though she disentangled herself from the messy portrait business, she remained as vapid as ever.  

 

[Warning to children & others:  do not try this at home.  Throwing yourself on sharp objects, ending your life for a lost love or ANY reason, or threatening to or thinking about doing are very serious.  Seriously.  Bad parody aside.]

 

The Reaper stealthily captures Mick during a botox procedure to keep those fantastic lips.

 

So, they all left the world, only minimally improved from basic shallowness.  And there, my readers, you have it: a Grey literary mash-up. (Not so hard because both men in the originals were callow.)  A mash-up with some elements for the "greying" crowd (pun intended).

  

*For my Christian readers: don't think I've turned on you.  I didn't read the "50" series nor see the movie; just read about them.

For those who object to "50" on domestic violence grounds, please don't think I'm making light of your concerns.  Concerns noted. I agree that Christian Grey shows very abusive tendencies, whatever someone might think separately about BDSM. 

 

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President's Day

     We've had 44 [as of this posting] men who've led this country under the Constitution (plus eight more who led it under the Articles of Confederation).  This month let's take more than just a day to remember them; however much we might criticize them, it's a tough job.