Sonnet 97 (Shakespeare)

 

How like a winter hath my absence been

From thee, the pleasure of the fleeting year!

What freezings have I felt, what dark days seen!

What old December's barrenness everywhere!

And yet remov'd was summer's time,

The teeming autumn, big with rich increase,

Bearing the wanton burthen (burden) of the prime,

Like widow'd wombs after their lords' decease*:

Yet this abundant issue seem'd to me

But hope of orphans and unfather'd fruit;

For summer and his pleasures wait on thee,

And thou away, the very birds are mute;

Or if they sing, 'tis with so dull a cheer

That leaves look pale, dreading the winter's near.

  ---William Shakespeare, 1609

*old school sexism:  the womb isn't worth much when the husband's died

Sunny Days

 

     Winter has been dragging on a long time in some places.  Here are some of our terra cotta (and poured concrete) sun (and moon) faces to hopefully cheer you up.

     This poured concrete one is new:  one of my Christmas gifts to my husband.  Some of the turquoise paint was on there, but I made the turquoise eye more noticeable.  The moon part was all turquoise, no accents.  We both thought it would look better with a terra cotta eye, "stars" and other accents, so I added those.

 

 This terra cotta one was our out-front stand-by for years.  It was also a past Christmas gift to my husband.  I added the turquoise details for effect.  (Our current house, Mediterranean style, has a terra cotta house number sign.  I painted the numbers turquoise, too.)  The cracks are just the aging of untreated terra cotta, which is like those pots for plants.  The super glue will prevent further cracking, but he's "lost points", too.  He's going on the back wall.  

Rodney Dangerfield dopplegänger?

  

 

        This smaller terra cotta face has mostly been an inside decoration.  He's too small to see well outside.   Turquoise accents also added by me.

     

   This sun/moon was also a gift to my husband.  He painted this one quite brightly years ago.  It is also an indoors decoration.

     

Is Something Missing Here?

 

"Brain in a Jar"
Perot Museum
Dallas, TX

🧠🧠🧠🧠🧠🧠🧠🧠
Happy New Year!
2024

Prince Harry in a Can

 

     There was a 20th century joke [recently revived online] about 'Prince Albert in a can.'* Prince Albert tobacco was not sold in cans for a while, though the larger tins are back.  The original tins were the 1.5 oz pocket tin and the 14 oz tin.

     Prince Albert went on to become King Edward VII of the UK.  In this modern time where branding is everything, a certain red-headed descendent of his could adapt this into his 21st century merching opportunity.

     [This blog will steer away from the truly cruel and vicious.  There are things to sympathize with Harry about... just not for the things he insists upon.  On the other hand, he comes across as, frankly, ridiculous, in some ways,  ways that feed into the divisive and worst trends of modern society.**]  

      Prince Harry claims he's given up tobacco smoking (or so he's said), so selling that in either size can seems out.  He cops to using 'wacky baccy' (weed, pot, MJ, etc), but it would still be against federal laws to sell that nationwide.  With questions hanging over his visa, he should probably skip that idea.

     So, what's a middle-aged modern prince to sell in a can?  Here's some ideas:

 

Small can:

• "Todger sheaths" (blue-colored would be best sellers)
• Snake in a can joke--  Harry still recounts with relish the way he was able to pull stunts on others.  He could roll out his own snake popping out of the can practical joke line.  
• Dried bananas-- the prince reports bananas are a favorite food.  Bananas have also figured into some of the couples' internet and royal outing stories...
• Dried mushrooms-- the big surprise would be that they are actually culinary mushrooms and NOT psychedelic mushrooms!
• Ginger Snaps or Ginger Chews (a real thing)
• Removable hip flask of hooch (see, also, below for tequila-specific suggestions).  These small tins were, after all, first designed as pocket tins.
• Photo trading cards of the heroic Sussexes saving the world! 
• Empty can would make a great cell phone carrier:  it might block hacking!  He could market this as a 2-in-1 purchase!
  

Bigger can:

• Toilet paper for Arctic & Antarctic adventures
• Tequila minis--  best choice, a joint venture featuring Casamigos Tequila, co-founded by erstwhile acquaintance George Clooney and once shilled by cousin-in-law Jack Brooksbank.  He might even get a deal to chug it on camera with Stephen Colbert.  [It seems "recovery" from substance abuse means different things to different people, although the recovery community is quite clear about what it means to them.]
• Dried, 'smoked' roast chicken.  Apparently roast chicken is another favorite dish of the prince's.  [I wonder if the chickens in the Montecito coop realize this; it could make them pretty nervous if they do.]  There are several ways that the chicken could be smoked...
• C**k cushion for extreme cold weather adventures.  Who knows-- maybe they could even be sold in the small can?  I don't really want to know that much detail.  [That was a common sentiment of many readers along about January 2023.]
• There's a product sold called "Candle in a Can."  Considering painful connections between  "Candle" and either of Princess Diana's sons, we will pass on this and wish both men peace in this regard. 
• "Air from [Name Place]" is something that is actually sold.  Perhaps the California prince could sell "Air from Montecito."  (Maybe Montecito is far enough out to avoid the serious smog of L.A.?  No one would want "Air from Los Angeles.") There are plenty of "hot air" jokes to Spare here.
• Sterno-type Stove in a Can.  Besides melting some snow to rehydrate that dried chicken in a can on your Arctic adventures, you could warm up your freezing todger a bit.
• Empty can would make a great toupee carrier.  Or maybe sell "Toupee in a Can."   You never know when that time might come for this prince or any man.  This would be a great-crossover into cold weather adventure supplies:  keeping the bald pate warm on outdoors adventures.  This is another 2-in-1 marketing angle.
  

• In fact, launching a whole line of outdoors adventuring supplies 'in a can' could work.  You, too, can go camping (or glamping) with Prince Harry, even if you can't afford to do so in Botswana.
• The empty can of either size could be used as an old-fashioned "hair receiver":  save your falling hair for 'future use' in a custom toupee (if you don't purchase a pre-made toupee in the can).  Still another 2-in-1 marketing plus.
•  Either size could be offered in the "Dior Suit Coronation Version."
  
•  Sadly, no "dry humor" in either can, despite the other dried goods possibilities.  Harry's humor doesn't trend in that direction, not even with the help of a renowned ghost writer.  Harry's is more the "in your face", unsophisticated type, often practical jokes at others' expense, if Spare is at all accurate.

      Another great idea comes from the current owner's name:  since the 1980s, the Prince Albert brand has been owned by the John Middleton Company.  Yes, Middleton. [No known relation to the Princess of Wales.]  Imagine the digs, biting yet another hand that feeds him through casting another set of Middleton aspersions.  Genius!

*For those of you who haven't heard the joke, due to your extreme youthfulness, this is how the joke went:  someone called a store (in the era before caller ID, etc.) and asked, "Do you have Prince Albert in a can?"  When the clerk said, "Yes", the caller responded, "Well, you'd better let him go!"

**If you stumble upon my little blog and assume things about my mindset, at least look around my blog before you ratify your assumptions and leave a comment.  If you comment assuming certain things, I will respond strongly with facts and information, not feelings or conspiracies.

Growing Up?

 

The best parts of adulthood are the parts of childhood that you can sensibly incorporate.  --Marie Byars

Texas State Fair

Carson City, Nevada

Internet [Clean] Aging Humor

 

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means "don't spill your Diet Pepsi in the car."

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand-new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

"Wisdom" for Life

• Death is the #1 Killer in the world.
• Life is sexually transmitted.
  
• Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one could die.
  
• Give a person a fish, and you feed them for a day.  Give a person the internet, and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
  
• Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
  
• All of us could take a lesson from the weather.  It pays no attention to criticism.

  
• In the 60's, people took acid to make the world look weird.  Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it look normal.
  
• Don't worry about old age: it doesn't last that long.

   --"Anonymous"; e-mail circular

Walden Pond

The "footprint" of Thoreau's cabin 

Walden Pond, near Concord, Massachussetts

 

     Henry David Thoreau wrote his famed essay/book Walden about his approximate year-and-a-half living in a cabin near Walden Pond.   It was publishe in 1854.  Though some assume he spent his entire time isolated there, he went into the town of Concord with some regularity.  He also entertained guests at his small cabin.               

More for Lexophiles

•  To write with a broken pencil is . . . pointless.   ✐       
•  When fish are in schools they sometimes . . . take debate.     🐟🎣    
•  A thief who stole a calendar . . . got twelve months.     

                                       

•  When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , . . . U.C.L.A.   🌆      
•  The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes . . . was on shaky ground.        
• The batteries were given out . . . free of charge.  🔋
•  A dentist and a manicurist got married. .. . . They fought tooth and nail.  💅 🦷
•  A will is a . . . dead giveaway.        
•  With her marriage, she got a new name . . .  and a dress.
•  Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you . . . A-flat miner.
• You are stuck with your debt if . . . you can't budge it.
•  Local Area Network in Australia : . . . The LAN down under.
• A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat.   🥚
• When you've seen one shopping center . . . you've seen a mall.
• Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was . . .resisting a rest.   👮🚨🧒🚸      
• If you take a laptop computer for a run you could . . . jog your memory.
• A bicycle can't stand alone; . . .it is two tired.
• In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes. 🧛🤴
•  When a clock is hungry . . .. it goes back four seconds.
•  The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . . . was fully recovered.
•  He had a photographic memory . . . which was never developed.  📷📸
•  Those who get too big for their britches will be . . . exposed in the end. 👖
•  When she saw her first strands of gray hair, . . . she thought she'd dye.   👵

---From an anonymous e-mail circular 

A Time for Everything

To paraphrase from words more divinely eloquent than mine:

"There is an appointed time for everything.  
And there is a time for every event under heaven ~

 A time to economize, and a time to expand;
A time to plant, and a time to uproot what is planted.
 A time to regulate, and a time to deregulate;
A time to criticize opponents, and a time to build consensus.
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance.
A time to be merciful , and a time to close borders;
A time to embrace, and a time to shun embracing.
A time to search for truth, and a time to give up searching;
A time to expand business, and a time to support the environment.
A time to debate, and a time to bring together;
A time to be silent, and a time to speak.
 A time to love, and a time to hate;
A time for war, and a time for peace. 
What profit is there to the populace from our toils?  I have seen the task which God has given the sons of men: to be wise stewards of earthly resources to use in the Kingdom of God.  He has made everything appropriate in its time."   

          ----Marie Byars, from Ecclesiastes 3:1-11

"Summer ends, and autumn comes, and he who would have it otherwise would have high tide always and a full moon every night.”   — Hal Borland

My Inconclusive Travels

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.

                                 ---anonymous (e-mail circular)

[Time Doesn't Always Heal]

They say that 'time assuages,'-- 

Time never did assuage; 

An actual suffering strengthens, 

As sinews do, with age. 

Time is a test of trouble, 

But not a remedy. 

If such it prove, it prove too 

There was no malady. ---Emily Dickinson

Thoughts on Time

(on entering a new year)
From everlasting to everlasting
You are God.
For a thousand years in Your eyes
Are as a day just passed
Or as a watch served in the night.

The days which we are given--
In them is seventy years;
Or if there is strength,
Eighty years.
Teach us our days thus to reckon
So that we may obtain a heart of wisdom.

---Moses, from Psalm 90   (translated by C. Marie Byars)

The Way I See It #233

   

  "I used to think that going to the jungle made my life an adventure. However, after years of unusual work in exotic places, I realize that it is not how far off I go or how deep into the forest I walk that gives my life meaning. I see that living life fully* is what makes life---anyone's life, no matter where they do or do not go---an adventure." ---Maria Fadiman, National Geographic Explorer [from a Starbuck's coffee cup]

   

  *Actually, life in God is where the real adventure and purpose of life are. But if you aren't in Him, this secular substitute is about the best human wisdom there is for a full life.