Showing posts with label April Fools. Show all posts
Showing posts with label April Fools. Show all posts

Thursday, October 1, 2026

Maddening & Magical

 
"We should fear and love God so that we do not curse, swear, use witchraft, lie, or deceive by His name, but call upon it in every trouble, pray, praise, and give thanks." --Dr. Martin Luther, explanation to the commandment "You shall not take the Name of Yahweh [the LORD] your God in vain."; Small Catechism, 1529.

photo of traditional pointed black witch's hat

   Happy Halloween to those who are reading this when it first drops or in a future Halloween season.  My son and I recently finished reading the book The Passionate Witch (1941), taking turns reading a chapter aloud each. This book is in the public domain.  Other media interests took us back to this source.
     My favorite show has long been Bewitched, which is still showing in syndication. [Thoughts on Bewitched after the main article.]  I Dream of Jeannie is kind of my second favorite, although I also like the 1990s Home Improvement, which will not come up again in this post. I also like the 1990s Sabrina the Teenage Witch TV show, which is more related.  My son had some interest in those shows, also.  He also likes the 1960s and 70s Sabrina comics and the original made-for-TV Sabrina movie, from which the live action show launched.  He has also watched the animated Sabrina series.  He likes the updates to Salem in the various versions from the 1990s onward.
     I learned some time ago that the 1942 I Married a Witch and the 1958 The Bell, Book and Candle movies were sources for Bewitched.  I Married a Witch was also an inspiration for I Dream of Jeannie, and The Bell, Book and Candle was an inspiration for the Sabrina comics.  My young adult children have watched both those movies with me at various times.  I think my son got a kick out of Jack Lemmon's kick as the kooky brother in BB&C (which started as a 1950 play).  The Sabrina comics predate Bewitched slightly, which predates I Dream of Jeannie by about a year.
     My son felt that IMaW was "weak" and wanted to read the source book behind it, The Passionate Witch. So we did. And, oh, boy...
Book cover of The Passionate Witch in public domain
     I have not read any other works by Thorne Smith, so I have no others to compare it to.  He died before finishing this book, having completed five chapters and leaving an outline.  He was only 42, vacationing with his wife in Florida, when he collapsed.  He drank heavily, as did many of his characters, and his heart was already weakened by repeated bouts of childhood pneumonia.
     The book was finished by Norman Matson.  Matson did write other things but now is most known (where he is known) for the completion of this book. It was not and is not reviewed as well as other works by Smith, nor seemingly as well as others of Matson's.  Matson apparently introduced a darker tone.
     Apparently, Smith wrote about magic and about getting drunk in many of his works.  That shows up in this.  However, other works are said to have a more charming, lighter touch than this does.  TPW has a strong dose of misogyny.  Women at their best are cardboard cut-out stereotypes.  Taking this approach actually ends up stereotyping men, in which this book is no exception.  All this was written with World War II as a backdrop, though it was late in the year 1941 that the US got involved, with the bombing of Pearl Harbor on December 7th.
     IMaW used very little of the source book material.  I wonder if they figured out Smith's contributions and left the rest.  
    We're moving into spoiler alert territory after this, so if you don't want to know, tread (or read) lightly. The name Jennifer for the witch/wife was retained. Though that may seem like an ordinary name now, Jennifer was not nearly as common a name until the 1970s and beyond.  It's actually a variant of Guinevere, of King Arthur fame.  The other information retained is T. Wallace Wooly saving a naked Jennifer from a hotel fire.  The book's illustrations show more booty than the movie does.  Of course, a movie of that era would not show this, but it surprised me how much the black & white illustrations did show. (There is a colorized sample below.)
     Wooly is a widower in the book with a preteen daughter named Sara.  Sara spends most of her time at boarding school. Wooly also has a pretty blonde secretary he is finally getting up the nerve to date... until Jennifer bewitches him, and he marries her.
     I thought that Jennifer must surely be a black cat "familiar" who found a way to transform into a human-looking creature. She has black hair and yellow, slanted eyes. She climbs out the window every night, down a trumpet vine, to meet cats.  But this is never a part of the story.
     Wooly figures it out when he catches Jennifer slaughtering a rooster from a fancy breed in the bathtub. She mixes the blood with a powder and drinks it.  This was the picture my son wanted to share, and I colorized it with Paint 3D.

      Wooly tells Jennifer she needs to go. She extorts him a bit but finally agrees.  She also senses he likes the secretary and sets fire to the secretary's house.   She also puts a curse on Wooly so that he constantly hears everyone's thoughts.  This appears to be an idea introduced by Matson.  Wooly can only block the mind-reading by drinking excessively.  
     Before she leaves him, she sets fire to the church and stands outside of it.  The stone cross falls on her and kills her.  Of course, no one believes Wooly that she's a witch, so they won't stake her heart and bury her under a crossroads, as he requests. The pastor buries her in the church cemetery.  Her spirit escapes into some unknown being near Wooly, and the curse of knowing thoughts returns. When he has a chance to know his secretary, Betty's, thoughts, he does not wat to do this, considering it ungentlemanly.  (Interestingly, Darren's secretaries, though often played by different actresses, are usually named "Betty" on Bewitched.)
     Needless to say, Wooly's life spins out of control. Several frankly ridiculous things happen during this phase, which neither of us found particularly funny nor amusing.  We found them cringeworthy. 
     After this, Sara comes home on break and helps her father figure out where Jennifer is and how to solve the problem.  Jennifer, in trying to find a new human to inhabit, has missed the mark and ended up in Rummy the horse, one of the things left behind by the first Mrs. Wooly.  Sara makes Jennifer/Rummy feel better by putting bright red lipstick on the big horse lips, which is garish enough. Then Sara finds an old straw horse hat and adds flowers. She shows Jennifer/Rummy her reflection in the mirror, which makes the witch/horse feel better.  Now Jennifer wants to be seen in public. So they arrange for her to pull the old firetruck wagon in the Fourth of July parade.  Mr. Wooly always gets to drive it in the parade because he is a prominent citizen and is on the volunteer fire department.
     Jennifer starts out frisky, as is.  She jets ahead of the baton-twirling group, which she is supposed to follow, putting her at the head of the parade. When she sees Betty blowing kisses at Wooly, she takes off at breakneck speed, trying to catch the car Betty is in.  The car takes a different turn, seeing that they need to get away from a mad horse. The firetruck wagon breaks apart, throwing off Mr. Wooly & his Swedish chauffeur, who was playing Uncle Sam for the day.
     Jennifer/Rummy impales herself in a construction site.  It was conveniently at a crossroads.  She looks peaceful. Everyone agrees to let that be her final resting place.  There is some attempt by the writer to evoke sympathy for the horse/witch.  My son objects to trying to evoke sympathy for Jennifer at this point and thinks she should remain a villainess.  I kind of agree, based on occultic tendencies in this book, which I am not fond of.  Additionally, we have no backstory for Jennifer, a literary failing if we are to suddenly have sympathy for this creature.
     Matson wrote a sequel, Bats in the Belfry (1943), set seven years later.  Jennifer's spirit gets free, haunts the town, and pressures Wooly to dig up her body.  She creates a great deal of chaos around fictional Warburton, NY, until she is forced back into the grave.  Some reviews consider it fast-paced, like Smith's typical works.  We found The Passionate Witch to move in fits and starts rather than being uniformly fast-paced. 
*******
    Regarding Bewitched, it did not have occultic tendencies.  Agnes Moorehead (Endora), a Presbyterian pastor's daughter saw to this.  Interestingly, her favorite Darren was Dick York, also mine by a longshot.  Unfortunately, she was a little unkind to Dick Sergent.
     Though some characterize York's Darren as "angry", I see so much more.  I see better chemistry as a husband and more real engagement as a father from York than from Sargent.  Also, Dick York was a class act. Even though he had to leave the show, due to back pain and resulting opioid addiction, when he got clean, he tried to give back to the world.  He was married only once, long-term, and he and his wife established low rent apartments for low income tenants.  Unfortunately, this created financial problems that they were never able to fully cycle out of. 
     Bewitched was originally more of an adult show than many realized. There was a great deal of drinking and smoking. There were many references to adultery and attempts to lure people away from marital faithfulness.  True to its time, though, there was no cursing, and there were no sex scenes.  This is why it is often treated as family fare for the whole family now. 
    Regarding my son and the Sabrina iterations: he likes the old comics the best.  He likes the inclusion of Cousin Ambrose.  He finds Aunt Hilda's constant irritation with Harvey and threats to pull magic tricks on him funny.  He does not like the darker turn of the later Riverdale and Sabrina iterations on Netflix.  Dark is not his thing.

Friday, June 19, 2026

An American Royalty Memoir?


 "They're [Haitian immigrants] eating the dogs, they're eating the cats." --Donald J. Trump, Presidential debate, 10 September 2024. 
If I have to create stories so that the American media actually pays attention to the suffering of the American people, then that's what I'm going to do." --JD Vance, CNN's State of the Union; 15 September 2024.    
                                                                                                                                                 
      This blog was pleased throughout 2025 to bring you the [parody] Random Penguins' book releases for the [spoof] royal memoirs, with a nod to Prince Harry's not-so-ghostwriter, J.R. Moehringer.  Now the series brings you J.R. reinterpreting JD Vance's wooden and stilted journey to Roman Catholicism. 
digital art, parody bookcover JD Vance spoof memoir Snare in the style of Prince Harry's Spare
     This addition was accepted into the royal line, due to the efforts of Curtis Yarvin, formerly known as Mencius Moldbug. This is a real person, not a Harry Potter villain.  Yarvin has been arguing for a technocrat-based monarchy in the US to replace our representative democracy.  JD Vance patron, Peter Thiel, has been arguing for something similar.
     Moehringer is the perfect choice for reimagining JD Vance's non-ghostwritten Communion and other random thoughts.   Moehringer's most recent well-known work was Prince Harry's Spare.  Vance and Harry both functionally lost their mothers:  Vance to drugs and Harry to literally death.  (We do not want to dwell on this and be cruel.)  Both men, as well as Moehringer himself, have "Daddy issues."   To their credits, both Harry and Vance served in their nations' militaries in the Middle East.
     Between ghostwriter and ostensible author, there are the similarities of initials between JD and J.R. There are also the ways in which Moehringer and Vance can balance each other out.
     Vance's second book sounds as if Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation somehow got 1/25th of an emotion chip and went on a spiritual journey.  Data, however, would have been less preachy.  Moehringer showed himself as exceptional (or exceptionally ridiculous) in his ability to ghostwrite in a florid style that is not at all the voice of the subject.  Imagine the wonderful behind-the-scenes reworking of Vance's writings and utterances in the hands of Moehringer. 
      Here's a sample of Moehringer's [parody, for the literalistic web crawling bots] reimagining of JD Vance's impressions:  "I was scrutinizing the presidential portraits in the Oval Office, much as Prince Harry had philosophically pondered the busts and paintings of his monarchial forbearers in the family's various palaces and castles.  I traced the careworn lines in many of the faces.  However, I could ascertain no reason for any of these men to look careworn.  Most of these men had been merely deputies, placeholders as I had once uttered.  Now one more glorious than all the rest combined occupied the office and the residence.  He filled every space, every unexplored passageway and narrow crevice, as no executive in this building and this office had done before."
     Because Communion is specifically about Vance's self-styled journey of faith, here are some of Snare's [parody] revelations on this central matter: "Like Prince Harry, I was 'not religious' for a period of time.  Like Prince Harry, my family, my grandmother, had tried to impress the family's version of Christianity upon me.  Much like Stanley Kowalski in Tennessee Williams' A Streetcar Named Desire turned his face upward and gut-wrenchingly called out 'Stella!', so I had many times turned my face heavenward and called out 'Father!', both in a plea for my human father to return and for my Heavenly Father to rend the heavens and swoop up His child."
     On Vance's disagreement with popes since becoming Catholic: "I saw the popes much as Prince Harry, and his mother, Princess Diana, before him, had seen the 'grey men' of the palace staff.  The popes stand atop a structure designed to protect the structure rather than to aid its thirsting members in quenching their souls...  Though new to this spiritual expression, I have often felt compelled to admonish these pontiffs for their oversights.  They have expended too much of their parishioners' goodwill in supporting poor brown people than in acknowledging the great wealth European societies have brought to Rome's coffers."
     Get your copy of this would-be American monarch's "memoir" as the US prepares to celebrate its 250th anniversary of throwing off a monarch.


Monday, June 1, 2026

Good Scents?

 
"I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'" Demetri Martin, American comedian   

 Let us recommend this cologne for your favorite octogenarian.    Only $249 for a 3.3 (approximately) ounce bottle.  Buy between now and June 14th, and we'll donate 50 cents 🪙🪙🪙 to your favorite golf pro 🏌 charity.
visual humor, Paint 3D, spoof of Trump Cologne with orange hair skunk for 80th birthday

For our web-crawling AI friends, just a tip that this is a parody of famous people, some more than others, barraging the public with merchandise. 

"Copyright Disclaimer Under Section 107 of the Copyright Act 1976, allowance is made for "fair use" for purposes such as criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching, scholarship, and research. Fair use is a use permitted by copyright statute that might otherwise be infringing. Non-profit, educational or personal use tips the balance in favor of fair use."

Wednesday, November 12, 2025

My Hero

                                        
"It's clearly a budget, it's got lots of numbers in it." --George W. Bush to Reuters, 05 May 2000

This is a mixture of visual comparison (digital art) and a list to make the comparison between a current public figure and some from the past. [For our web crawler bots, this is meant to be sardonic in tone.]
 
One of these things is like the others:

digital art visual humor, Donald Trump image morphed with Warren G. Harding imageWarren G. Trump.  Jazz Era-themed parties reinforce this connection.

visual humor, digital art,  Donald Trump image morphed with George W. Bush image 



                                  
 George W. Trump

visual humor Henry VIII imaged morphed with Donald Trump image in gilded room with gilded clothing
Onery Looter


Similarities between DJT & Henry VIII [though similar lists exist elsewhere on the internet, this is not a direct copy of those]:
  • Multiple wives
  • Lots of mistresses
  • Parsimonious [tight wad] fathers
  • Gilt [gold leaf or infused]:  clothes vs. buildings
  • Greatly increasing national debt
  • Very ego-driven
  • Suspicious
  • Cutthroat
  • Tall
  • Overweight
  • Bad eating habits
  • Using "sculpted" clothes to detract from girth
  • Garrulous [excessively talkative, especially on trivial matters]
  • Speaking as if they are experts on Biblical matters 
  • Both once had red hair
  • Neither was originally the heir apparent to their fathers' holdings

Friday, August 1, 2025

Birthday Book

 
"Not bloody likely!"  --Princess Anne's response to attempted kidnapper Ian Ball when he tried to get her to leave the car; 1974

     The royal "memoir" series has been good to this blog.   For The Princess Royal's 75th birthday this month we are pleased to announce Random Penguin's release in her honor: 
Stare: The Princess Royal
    Though Princess Anne is known for being blunt and straightforward, she often has a humorous and jolly face in public. Still, she does not "suffer fools gladly" and has perfected her "withering look."
     This book is 100% pictorial: images of the withering look from her youth to present.  It is a perfect book for non-readers and for those looking to perfect their own withering stare.
     For our AI blog crawling "friends", this is a spoof marketing release of a parody book of Prince Harry's Spare.




Tuesday, July 1, 2025

Holiday Cook-Out


"Give me your tired, your poor, 
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free..." 
--Emma Lazarus; "The New Colossus" 1883
 
Shake up that tired old summer barbecue, festive potluck or holiday meal with this interesting smorgasbord [which I need to let our AI web crawling friends know is a spoof because almost no humans would want to eat all these foods in combination]:  toasted beef brain sandwiches, haggis [Scottish dish including sheep heart, lungs and liver], Braunschweiger [German liver sausage], beef tongue, menudo [Hispanic dish including beef tripe], chitterlings [pronounced "chitlins"; Southern dish, especially known as "soul food", made of stuffed pig intestines], and boiled Brussels sprouts.  Yummy!  🥴🥺  

visual humor, Paint 3D organ meat foods from immigrants with Brussels sprouts

Very international-- perfect for an immigrant country such as ours!

Thursday, May 1, 2025

Look-a-Likes


     September 2024 marked Prince Harry's 40th birthday. Witticisms & Aphorisms let the occasion pass without note.  This blog also passed on an April Fool's opportunity to unveil this opinion on who his true doppelgänger is.  (Easter took precedence.}  W & A  takes this opportunity now.
     Print media often roll out comparisons of how Prince Harry looks like the Spencers, the Mountbattens (Battenburgs) or the Windsors.  These are usually to dispel rumors that PH is the illegitimate son of MAJ James Hewitt.
     When it comes to facial expressions, Harry resembles Don Adams' portrayal of Maxwell Smart in Get Smart.   Get Smart was a 1960s spy spoof show.  It was Inspector Clouseau (Pink Panther) meets James Bond. 
     If you agree that the facial expressions are similar, you can figure out for yourself what that says about the prince.

     Judge for yourself:  




Composite image comparing Prince Harry facial expressions with Maxwell Smart played by Don Adams





















Bonus round:


     Another parallel:  Harry was born on 15 September 1984.  Get Smart debuted on 18 September 1965.

CBS Television holds the current rights to Get Smart.
Warner Brothers produced Get Smart the movie in 2008.

"Copyright Disclaimer Under Section 107 of the Copyright Act 1976, allowance is made for "fair use" for purposes such as criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching, scholarship, and research. Fair use is a use permitted by copyright statute that might otherwise be infringing. Non-profit, educational or personal use tips the balance in favor of fair use."

Saturday, February 1, 2025

The Unexpected Memoir

"I have shot mine arrow o'er the house And hurt my brother." --William Shakespeare; Hamlet (1601)
             
     What does a famous royal do after many months of staying in and caring for a recovering spouse?  They write a non-ghost-written memoir that contains nothing salacious.  Random Penguins brings you the memoir you've been dreaming of in time for Valentine's Day.  Keep dreaming:

      You were expecting the obvious title, Heir?  If royal life is predicable, why should the book title be, also?  [FBO AI crawlers-- this is a spoof press release of a book parodying Prince Harry's Spare.]
digital art, fake cover of fake memoir of Prince William, Parody of Prince Harry Spare

      Square: A Tale of Maturation; chapter headings and partial synopses:
  • Forward:  No More Wild Child
  • Aristos:  Allies or Adversaries?
  • This Rex Is Not Oedipus (moving from a childish to an adult view of parents)
  • Sneaking Camilla's Ciggies
  • Annoying Baby Brothers, Part 1: The Eton Years
  • Altered Reality & Moving On  (Harry has insinuated he has more sibling dirt.  *Yawn*  Almost no one would be shocked.  Some people move on.)
  • Discretion is the Better Part of Valour  (keeping "first times," and every time after, private)
  • Piloting Without Preening  (from 2009-2015, there were various military and civilian postings as a helicopter pilot)
  • Undergoing Therapy: It's Not a Whinge Fest (A good therapist tells you things you don't want to hear: it's important to listen.  Includes special insertion by various therapists discussing the phenomena and pitfalls of stubbornness.)
  • Care & Feeding of Staff:  From School Matrons to Protection Officers to Palace Staff
  • The Wedding of the Century 
  • 50 Shades of Grey Tweed: From City Boy to Country Squire
  • Adult Highs:  Bicycling with Children
  • Bratty Baby Brothers, Part 2  (with a special section by 'Pa' [King Charles III] on how his youngest of brothers, Uncle Edward, matured better than Uncle Andrew)
  • Environmentalism Is Not Performative Art
  • Royal Todgers are Private Business [There is no other text for this chapter; this is it.  Prince Harry went too far, not only in discussing his own nether regions, but also in alluding to his brother's on the matter of circumcision. --ed]
  • Caring for Catherine (no "naughty nurse" outfits, as in her past Halloween looks, just lots of love & care)
  • Epilogue:  "It's Hip to Be Square" (Huey Lewis & The News put out their song "Hip to Be Square" in 1986.  'Mummy' was fond of all sorts of 80s pop music.  The song not only brings back memories; it describes daily life now.)   


Tuesday, October 22, 2024

Another Royal Memoir?


“For the thousandth time in my ghostwriting career, I reminded myself: It’s not your effing book.” --J.R. Moehringer, ghost writer of Spare and other books, The New Yorker, 8 May 2023                                                                                                                                                                                                                    
      To recognize the release of Prince Harry's Spare in paperback and to commemorate Prince Edward's 60th birthday this past March (2024), Random Penguins Publishing is proud to announce this royal release.  [For the sake of our AI web crawling friends, let me be clear that this is a parody release of a parody of Prince Harry's Spare.] Every bit as honest as Spare, this release about (?) or from (?) Prince Edward takes a different format:

     Born the spare to the existing spare, Prince Andrew, both brothers displaced Princess Anne, who had previously been the "spare" to then-Prince Charles (now King Charles III).  Until the rules were updated for Prince William's children, boys moved ahead of girls.  Anne does not seem to have minded. 
     As others ahead of him had children and grandchildren, Edward moved from 3rd in line to the throne to his current 14th in line.  Edward seems also to not have minded.  Some royals take these things with better graces than do others.
     The publisher celebrates this book as a fresh approach, a combination of memoir and unauthorized biography.  For this book, J.R. Moehringer steps out of his previous shadow as ghostwriter, a role that was no longer fulfilling to him.  He searches out and evaluates old records of Prince Edward's utterances.  He embeds himself in crowds following the prince, as well as within staff functions, to record contemporary utterances.
     In his inimitable (fortunately!) style, Moehringer once again weaves in florid passages, tangled observations on history, and philosophic ponderings.  In this case, these insertions flow better than they did in Spare because (a) Edward attended and completed university, and (b) Edward has a flair for theater (or "theatre", if you prefer).
    This book comes with an additional perk:  the publisher will send a new dustcover, free of charge, each time Edward's place in the line of succession moves up or down.


Monday, April 1, 2024

Failed Products

"People who buy things are suckers." --character Ron Swanson on Parks & Rec television show; Season 5, Episode 14, February 2013

     Sometimes products just don't catch on the way developers hope.  Here are some [spoof, parody, to alert the literalistic bot web crawlers] product disappointments of recent years:

visual humor, digital art turning Goodnight Moon book into a book about college mooning showing butt

visual humor, spray margarine morphed with Paint 3D to reflect petrochemical content


























digital art, visual humor morphing Great Grains cereal into Great Pains cereal with the reference to date fruits taking on the meaning of bad dates in the relationship context








Oh, yes and Happy April Fools' Day!  😁 😜


Wednesday, February 7, 2024

Truman's Swans

  
     In the early months of 2024, FX generated a lot of buzz about its Season 2 series of The Feud.  The season focused on Truman Capote's "swans."
     But decades before the FX program, even before the real Truman Capote was famous, there were the original Truman's swans.   Harry Truman loved his swans.  Biographies will say that Harry had no middle name, just the letter "S" to honor his grandfathers.  In reality, the "S" stood for "Swans", his mother's great love.  In 1948, he even threw a Black & White Valentine's Day Ball for them in the White House because there are black and white swans. [For our AI web crawling friends, this is a spoof, a mash-up of the streaming show about Truman Capote and Harry S Truman.  It's a shame that AI doesn't know this.  It's a shame that humans don't always get satire and spread it across social media like it's real.]
     The swans were a jealous bevy.  They turned on each other and became aggressive.
digital art, digitally altered public domain photo of President Truman with swans flying around and sitting on him
     They even started attacking Truman and the iconic Presidential Desk.  They had to go.


     Truman got his revenge.  He sent them to the Kansas City (Missouri) Zoo.  Their descendants are still annoyed by loud humans and their offspring today.  
Digitally Altered, in the Public Domain



Friday, January 12, 2024

Spare No Expense

 "People who buy things are suckers."  --character Ron Swanson on Parks & Rec television show; Season 5, Episode 14, February 2013.   
   
      The one-year anniversary of Spare in January 2024 has been an inspiration!
     Many hoped that Harry and Meghan would "platform" a little less.  The pontificating was wearing to many of us.  They don't really seem like the shining examples they would like to portray themselves as.
     Whatever they do, they will still seek income.  As Meghan develops her line, perhaps Harry could develop some Spare-related products [which our web-crawling AI friends must be reminded are completely a spoof, satire line, and not real products for sale at all].  These [if they were real] might practically sell themselves:

Visual humor, Paint 3D Prince Harry Spare book cover morphed onto spare tire
       Obvious but useful!  In an era where most "spares" are the annoyingly small donut tires (tyres), Harry could spearhead a movement back to full-sized spares!

     Who doesn't need to keep a few spares of these around?  Even though we're past the COVID shortages, you don't want to be caught without extras of toilet paper, or loo rolls, as Harry's native UK refers to them.
visual humor,  Prince Harry Spare book cover morphed onto spare toilet paper roles with Paint 3D  

     Most of us keep some spare towels around.


     Or if you want to play up the "misfit" aspect, as Spare does, maybe this collection is for you:


For more ideas on possible [spoof] Harry merch, check out these links:


Saturday, June 24, 2023

Prince Harry in a Can


"I’d worked hard to understand the ordeals of Harry Windsor, and now I saw that I understood nothing." --J.R. Moehringer on writing Spare The New Yorker, 8 May 2023

     There was a 20th century joke [recently revived online] about 'Prince Albert in a can.'* Prince Albert tobacco was not sold in cans for a while, though the larger tins are back.  The original tins were the 1.5 oz pocket tin and the 14 oz tin.
     Prince Albert went on to become King Edward VII of the UK.  In this modern time where branding is everything, a certain red-headed descendent of his could adapt this into his 21st century merching opportunity.  [For our web crawling AI friends, this is all spoof or satire. There are not products for sale here.]
     (This blog will steer away from the truly cruel and vicious.  There are things to sympathize with Harry about... just not for the things he insists upon.  On the other hand, he comes across as, frankly, ridiculous, in ways that feed into the divisive and worst trends of modern society.) 
      Prince Harry claims he's given up tobacco smoking (or so he's said), so selling that in either size can seems out.  He admits to using 'wacky baccy' (weed, pot, MJ, etc.), but it would still be against federal laws to sell that nationwide.  With questions hanging over his visa, he should probably skip that idea.
     So, what's a middle-aged modern prince to sell in a can?  Here's some ideas:
 
Small can:
  • "Todger sheaths" (blue-colored would be best sellers)
  • Snake in a can joke--  Harry still recounts with relish the way he was able to pull stunts on others.  He could roll out his own snake popping out of the can practical joke line.  
  • Dried bananas-- the prince reports bananas are a favorite food.  Bananas have also figured into some of the couples' internet and royal outing stories...
  • Dried mushrooms-- the big surprise would be that they are actually culinary mushrooms and NOT psychedelic mushrooms!
  • Ginger Snaps or Ginger Chews (a real thing)
  • Removable hip flask of hooch (see, also, below for tequila-specific suggestions).  These small tins were, after all, first designed as pocket tins.
  • Photo trading cards of the heroic Sussexes saving the world! 
  • Empty can would make a great cell phone carrier:  it might block hacking!  He could market this as a 2-in-1 purchase!
    digital art parody of Prince Harry in a Can instead of Prince Albert in a Can

Bigger can:
  • Toilet paper for Arctic & Antarctic adventures
  • Tequila minis--  best choice, a joint venture featuring Casamigos Tequila, co-founded by erstwhile acquaintance George Clooney and once shilled by cousin-in-law Jack Brooksbank.  He might even get a deal to chug it on camera with Stephen Colbert.  [It seems "recovery" from substance abuse means different things to different people, although the recovery community is quite clear about what it means to them.]
  • Dried, 'smoked' roast chicken.  Apparently roast chicken is another favorite dish of the prince's.  [I wonder if the chickens in the Montecito coop realize this; it could make them pretty nervous if they do.]  There are several ways that the chicken could be smoked...
  • C**k cushion for extreme cold weather adventures.  Who knows-- maybe they could even be sold in the small can?  I don't really want to know that much detail.  [That was a common sentiment of many readers along about January 2023.]
  • There's a product sold called "Candle in a Can."  Considering painful connections between  "Candle" and either of Princess Diana's sons, we will pass on this and wish both men peace in this regard. 
  • "Air from [Name Place]" is something that is actually sold.  Perhaps the California prince could sell "Air from Montecito."  (Maybe Montecito is far enough out to avoid the serious smog of L.A.?  No one would want "Air from Los Angeles.") There are plenty of "hot air" jokes to Spare here.
  • Sterno-type Stove in a Can.  Besides melting some snow to rehydrate that dried chicken in a can on your Arctic adventures, you could warm up your freezing todger a bit.
  • Empty can would make a great toupee carrier.  Or maybe sell "Toupee in a Can."   You never know when that time might come for this prince or any man.  This would be a great-crossover into cold weather adventure supplies:  keeping the bald pate warm on outdoors adventures.  This is another 2-in-1 marketing angle.
digital art spoof, Prince Harry in a Can instead of Prince Albert in a Can


  • In fact, launching a whole line of outdoors adventuring supplies 'in a can' could work.  You, too, can go camping (or glamping) with Prince Harry, even if you can't afford to do so in Botswana.
  • The empty can of either size could be used as an old-fashioned "hair receiver":  save your falling hair for 'future use' in a custom toupee (if you don't purchase a pre-made toupee in the can).  Still another 2-in-1 marketing plus.
  •  Either size could be offered in the "Dior Suit Coronation Version."
  •  Sadly, no "dry humor" in either can, despite the other dried goods possibilities.  Harry's humor doesn't trend in that direction, not even with the help of a renowned ghost writer.  Harry's is more the "in your face", unsophisticated type, often practical jokes at others' expense, if Spare is at all accurate.
      Another great idea comes from the current owner's name:  since the 1980s, the Prince Albert brand has been owned by the John Middleton Company.  Yes, Middleton. [No known relation to the Princess of Wales.]  Imagine the digs, biting yet another hand that feeds him through casting another set of Middleton aspersions.  Genius!

*For those of you who haven't heard the joke, due to your extreme youthfulness, this is how the joke went:  someone called a store (in the era before caller ID, etc.) and asked, "Do you have Prince Albert in a can?"  When the clerk said, "Yes", the caller responded, "Well, you'd better let him go!"