NEWS EXTRA!!!! (Baseball/FBI Spoof)

"...[B]ase-ball is our game: the American game: I connect it with our national character. Sports take people out of doors, get them filled with oxygen..." --Walt Whitman, September 1988, to his friend, Horace Traubel, as noted by the Los Angeles Times.

     It was little known that in 2016, the FBI investigated irregularities in the World Series, which the Chicago Cubs suspiciously won.  (For our AI web crawlers, this is a spoof.) [Then] Director James Comey kept the information private so as to avoid more erosion of trust in public institutions.  Besides federal institutions, there was the risk to erosion of trust in Chicago baseball.  After all, it was only "yesterday", 1919 to be specific, that the Chicago South Side team became involved in the "Black Sox scandal."  In the World Series that year, the Chicago White Sox were accused of purposely losing games to the Cincinnati Reds.  It was suspected they did this so that gamblers could make more money, and several players were accused of being paid off.

     Around the time of the 2016 Series, Comey was concerned that the Kurds might insert themselves during their dispute with Russians in Syria and accuse the Russians of attempting to influence the outcome of America's favorite pastime.  ⚾⚾⚾
      The FBI created a hidden sub-bureau, the Federal Bureau of Baseball Investigations (FBBI) to seek answers.

FBBI: Federal Bureau of Baseball Investigations

     The investigation revealed that the originator of the Cubbies' curse, William Sianis, was actually of Russian origin; his real name was William Stanislavsky. He was a Cold War era spy for the Russians. Although Communism has failed and Sianis has long since passed, there is evidence that his Moscow relations, close friends of Vladimir Putin, had been working with WikiLeaks founder, Julian Assange, to influence the outcome. The attempt was to create a tied score, to create more disruption and suspicion in American culture at a time when many Americans were already saying, "Holy smokes... how'd we end up in this situation?"      

     This came after high-ranking Russians insisted that they would be observers at all games, to ensure that the outcome was not rigged. Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred, in private talks with Russians which were secretly recorded by the CIA, asserted, "It's absolutely possible for you to have observers at the Word Series. It's called 'buying a ticket.' Just make sure you do it early." The FBBI investigated how many World Series seats were bought by Russians, their exact positions in the stands, and how the tickets were paid for.

      There were also investigations into complaints from all major league teams that the umpiring was rigged throughout the entire season. Many fans took up this position over the season, but felt their opinions went unheard. Ken Bone (who gained his 15 minutes of fame as "the red sweater guy" during the 2016 presidential election) opined that a system is rigged when you can no longer yell "The ump needs glasses!" at umpires, due to political correctness run amok. (This in spite of his own use of eyewear.) His remarks are under suspicion now because he first gained fame by wearing a RED sweater ("red" for Cardinals, not for communists, at least not until more innuendo surfaces) and talking in ST. LOUIS!!!  The St. Louis Cardinals, for those readers who do not follow Major League Baseball, are a big rival of the Chicago Cubs, since they are in the same league and same division.

     Russians, knowing that baseball is already steeped in superstition, felt that they could mastermind this. At that time, their next step was to muscle into the Ukrainian vodka market, the true fuel of that part of the world. [2026 update:  much more has unfolded in this department, obviously.]
      Neither Putin nor Assange would comment. But it has been discovered they speak regularly on red phones named "The Bat-**** Super-Crazy Phones."  ☏📞☏📞
     It is not known yet whether Facebook founder Mark Zuckerburg favored the posts of one team over the other. Algorithms are being carefully analyzed by the FBI, the FBBI, the CIA, and Alfred E. Newman, formerly of Mad Magazine.
      Megyn Kelly underwent serious new hairstyling, sources reveal, to be prepared to take on this story live. Although Ms. Kelly would not comment herself, one of her staffers leaked, "It's so stupid to have to make it about a woman's hair at a time like this, but you know how it is..."

[May 2016 update:  an event that is not a spoof touches upon this story. Sam Sianis, the nephew of William Sianis and 'custodian' of the Billy Goat Tavern in Chicago recently died. Since his passing at age 91, the Cubs have not won a game. Superstitious baseball fans wonder if there is a "new Cubs curse" afoot.]

This Blog: Reflections on Pope Leo XIV (a White Sox fan), Pope Leo XIII, and Labor