1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are
probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means "don't spill your Diet Pepsi in the car."
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new
midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand-new day, and I'm off like a
herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be
referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound
effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes
back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the
seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the
money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say
"nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three
days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed
the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I
squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound
like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly
remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words
like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would
be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life
out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those
people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
No comments:
Post a Comment