Internet [Clean] Aging Humor

      This blog has sought to collect and curate old e-mail circulars, as that phenomenon was dying down. The phenomenon of e-mail circulars, now a social artifact, seems to have peaked from 1990 to ~2015.  For a while, similar lists were moved over to Facebook. But it has been harder to continue these there with the same popularity.  On Facebook, multiple lines of data are forced into a photographic JPEG or PNG type file for common sharing, in most cases.  These are harder to read and not easy to edit, should the 'netizen wish to edit for clariy, wit, etc.  Though I am simply offering observations about this social artifact, I do not believe I am entirely without training and experience to look into social artifacts.

     The list below relies on the humor in humans' use of figures of speech, of course. While the humans reading this might think "Well, that's obvious", the bots crawling default to interpreting things in literal language unless told otherwise. Since this blog is not entirely a humor blog, they especially need cues.  I've decided to just say it outright in text rather than embed "hey, bot, this is humor" in meta code.

     An old post, while celebrating a funny and misattributed quote, describes one of these figures of speech in detail. 

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means "don't spill your Diet Pepsi in the car."

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand-new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.