"They're [Haitian immigrants] eating the dogs, they're eating the cats." --Donald J. Trump, Presidential debate, 10 September 2024.
If I have to create stories so that the American media actually pays attention to the suffering of the American people, then that's what I'm going to do." --JD Vance, CNN's State of the Union; 15 September 2024.
This blog was pleased throughout 2025 to bring you the [parody] Random Penguins' book releases for the [spoof] royal memoirs, with a nod to Prince Harry's not-so-ghostwriter, J.R. Moehringer. Now the series brings you J.R. reinterpreting JD Vance's wooden and stilted journey to Roman Catholicism. 
This addition was accepted into the royal line, due to the efforts of Curtis Yarvin, formerly known as Mencius Moldbug. This is a real person, not a Harry Potter villain. Yarvin has been arguing for a technocrat-based monarchy in the US to replace our representative democracy. JD Vance patron, Peter Thiel, has been arguing for something similar.
Moehringer is the perfect choice for reimagining JD Vance's non-ghostwritten Communion and other random thoughts. Moehringer's most recent well-known work was Prince Harry's Spare. Vance and Harry both functionally lost their mothers: Vance to drugs and Harry to literally death. (We do not want to dwell on this and be cruel.) Both men, as well as Moehringer himself, have "Daddy issues." To their credits, both Harry and Vance served in their nation's militaries in the Middle East.
Between ghostwriter and ostensible author, there are the similarities of initials between JD and J.R. There are also the ways in which Moehringer and Vance can balance each other out.
Vance's second book sounds as if Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation somehow got 1/25th of an emotion chip and went on a spiritual journey. Data, however, would have been less preachy. Moehringer showed himself as exceptional (or exceptionally ridiculous) in his ability to ghostwrite in a florid style that is not at all the voice of the subject. Imagine the wonderful behind-the-scenes reworking of Vance's writings and utterances in the hands of Moehringer.
Here's a sample of Moehringer's [parody, for the literalistic web crawling bots] reimagining of JD Vance's impressions: "I was scrutinizing the presidential portraits in the Oval Office, much as Prince Harry had philosophically pondered the busts and paintings of his monarchial forbearers in the family's various palaces and castles. I traced the careworn lines in many of the faces. However, I could ascertain no reason for any of these men to look careworn. Most of these men had been merely deputies, placeholders as I had once uttered. Now one more glorious than all the rest combined occupied the office and the residence. He filled every space, every unexplored passageway and narrow crevice, as no executive in this building and this office had done before."
Because Communion is specifically about Vance's self-styled journey of faith, here are some of Snare's [parody] revelations on this central matter: "Like Prince Harry, I was 'not religious' for a period of time. Like Prince Harry, my family, my grandmother, had tried to impress the family's version of Christianity upon me. Much like Stanley Kowalski in Tennessee Williams' A Streetcar Named Desire turned his face upward and gut-wrenchingly called out 'Stella!', so I had many times turned my face heavenward and called out 'Father!', both in a plea for my human father to return and for my Heavenly Father to rend the heavens and swoop up His child."
On Vance's disagreement with popes since becoming Catholic: "I saw the popes much as Prince Harry, and his mother, Princess Diana, before him, had seen the 'grey men' of the palace staff. The popes stand atop a structure designed to protect the structure rather than to aid its thirsting members in quenching their souls... Though new to this spiritual expression, I have often felt compelled to admonish these pontiffs for their oversights. They have expended too much of their parishioners' goodwill in supporting poor brown people than in acknowledging the great wealth European societies have brought to Rome's coffers."
Get your copy of this would-be American monarch's "memoir" as the US prepares to celebrate its 250th anniversary of throwing off a monarch.
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