Common Consumables

"My works are like water. The works of the great masters are like wine. But everyone drinks water." ---Mark Twain, in his Notebook

Legal Eagles

As the Marx Brothers were planning to make a movie called A Night in Casablanca, Warner Brothers Pictures threatened legal action because they had made Casablanca five years before. Here are excerpts from some actual letters Groucho sent to the Warner Bros. legal department:

Dear Warner Brothers:
...up to the time we contemplated making this picture, I had no idea that the city of Casablanca belonged exclusively to Warner Brothers...It seems that in 1471, Ferdinand Balboa Warner, your great-great-grandfather, while looking for a shortcut to the city of Burbank, stumbled on the shores of Africa and...named it Casablanca...You claim you own Casablanca and that no one else can use that name without your permission. What about "Warner Brothers"? Do you own that, too? You probably have the right to use the name Warner, but what about Brothers? Professionally, we were brothers long before you were...

Sincerely, Groucho Marx

His letter, of course, confused the Warner Brothers' legal department. They sent a letter with a serious request for a plot outline (like there's ever much of a "plot" in Marx Bros. movies!). Groucho wrote back with a wildly fictitious outline. Being even more confused (and lacking any sense of humor!), the lawyers wrote again, saying they still didn't understand the story line and would appreciate Groucho sending a detailed story line. Here are excerpts from his third letter:

Dear Brothers:
Since I last wrote you, I regret to say there have been some changes in the plot our our new picture...I play Bordello, the sweetheart of Humphrey Bogart. Harpo and Chico are itinerant rug peddlers who are weary of laying rugs and enter a monastery just for a lark. This is a good joke on them, as there has not been a lark in the place for fifteen years...In the fifth reel, Gladstone* makes a speech that sets the House of Commons in an uproar, and the King promptly asks for his resignation...Humphrey Bogart's girl, Bordello, spends her last years in a Bacall house. This, as you can see, is a very skimpy outline. The only thing that can save us from extinction is a continuation of the film shortage.

Fondly, Groucho Marx

*William Gladstone was prime minister four times in the latter part of the 19th century, under Queen Victoria's rule and was the dominant voice of the Liberal Party. He made several rousing speeches in this capacity.
There were no more letters after this.

Being Happy

It is an aspect of all happiness to suppose that we deserve it. ---AEsop

Indeed, a person wishes to be happy, even when he lives in such a way as to make happiness impossible. ---St. Augustine

                                

Report from a Pastor Search Committee

(a typical American mainstream Protestant church trying to get the pastor they think they deserve):

We do not have a good report: we haven't been able to find a suitable candidate for this church, though we have one promising prospect.
Thank you for your previous suggestions. We followed up on each with interviews or by calling at least three references. The following is our confidential report:
NOAH: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
JOSEPH: A big thinker, but a braggart; believes in dream interpreting and has a prison record.
MOSES: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator; even stutters at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly in business meetings. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.
DEBORAH: One word --- Female.
DAVID: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife.
SOLOMON: Great preacher, but serious woman problem. (He had 700 wives & 300 common-law wives.)
ELIJAH: Prone to depression; collapses under pressure.
HOSEA: A tender and loving pastor, but our people could never handle his wife's occupation. [She was a prostitute; God had actually told Hosea to marry her as an "object lesson."]
JONAH: Told us he was swallowed up by a great fish. He said the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
AMOS: Too much of a country hick. Backward and unpolished. With some seminary training, he might have promise; but he has a hang-up against wealthy people. 

JOHN: Says he is a Baptist, but doesn't dress like one. May be too Pentecostal. Tends to lift both hands in the air to worship when he gets excited. You know we limit to one hand. Sleeps in the outdoors, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
PETER: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper, even said to have cursed. He's a loose cannon.
PAUL: Powerful CEO type and fascinating preacher. However, he's short on tact, unforgiving with young ministers, harsh, and has been known to preach all night.
TIMOTHY: Too young.

JESUS: Has had popular times, but once when his church grew to 5000, He managed to offend them all; and his church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he is single.

JUDAS: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday in view of a call.

The Laws of Ultimate Reality

(from an e-mail circular):

Law of Mechanical Repair After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch, and you'll have to pee. 

Law of Gravity Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. 

Law of Probability The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. 

Law of Random Numbers If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal, and someone always answers. 

Law of the Alibi If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. 

Variation Law If you change lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). 

Law of the Bath When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. 

Law of Close Encounters The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 

Law of the Result When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. 

Law of Biomechanics The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. 

Law of the Theatre At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. 

The Starbuck's Law As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. 

Murphy's Law of Lockers If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. 

Law of Physical Surfaces The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. 

Law of Logical Argument Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. 

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance If the shoe fits, it's ugly. 

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking A closed mouth gathers no feet. 

Wilson 's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. 

Doctors' Law If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Understanding Economics with Cows

LONG-AGO CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.  

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. 

You sell them and retire on the income.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.  

Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

VENTURE CAPITALISM (U.S. 2006-2008)
You have two cows.
     You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. 

     The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. 

     The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

U.S. 2009
You have no cows.
No one else has any cows.
The government buys you one cow, which your children will pay for.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows. 

The State takes both, shoots one,
milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads,
because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows.
None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of
Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

\
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

More Understanding Economics with Cows (later addition to this blog)

Quantities of Food

Q: "Where do mathematicians like to eat?"

A: "On multiplication tables!" ----anonymous children's joke