No April Foolin'

 

Photo taken & "improved" by my daughter. My "alter ego", Grouch Marx.

The 50 Shades of the Picture of Dorian Christian Grey

[trash reading for the literary-minded*]

Dorian Christian Grey was exceptionally good-looking and successful in business... whatever that business was.  His friends keep reminding him of how handsome he is.  He sees other people in business aging, being treated as irrelevant, and, well, just not looking "hot" anymore.

 

Dorian had had his portrait painted by an up-and-coming artist.  The portrait and Grey's patronage launched this painter.  But, now, Dorian decides he will make a deal with the dar kside: he will sell his eternal soul for eternal youth.  His aging and every ugly deed he does will show up on the portrait,  instead, which he keeps hidden.

 

 He seduces and marries a young girl, "Anesthesia" (because she quickly dulls the mind, being so vapid). After a few "off-beat" encounters with her (which he had insisted upon, despite her half-hearted commitment), Grey decides he needs something much more bizarre to maintain interest.  He makes Ana sign a contract adhering to absolute secrecy on her part,  agreeing to do whatever he says. He then shows her the portrait and forces her to do weird, unspeakable things with it. (Therefore, I will not speak of them.  But, unfortunately for her, they do not involve body paint.) 

 

 

There are other sources of twisted enjoyment for Grey in this bizarre set-up. He also takes some sort of strange pleasure out of watching his portrait and his wife age while he does not.   He also gets a cheap thrill that "runs like electric current through the very core of his being" (just had to throw in the gratuitous Harlequin romance-type comment) by having her always refer to him as "Mr. Grey, sir."  He enjoys her degradation at watching the French maid (another gratuitous addition) refer to him as "Mon Cheri" or "Babycakes."

 

This goes on for decades.  However, the French maids came and went because, well, they weren't "hot" anymore. Ana realizes his immortal soul is in danger... and, amazingly, she still cares.  At last, she throws caution to the wind, and saves them both.   She throws the portrait in the fire, and he instantly ages. 

 

Grey feels freed, and embraces his new life... a life in Depends, which by now has become a "fetish" for both of them. With his business connections, they become spokespeople for Depends, and meet Mick Jagger on the Rolling Stones Depends tour. 

 

They all live happily ever after... well, at least for about five years.  Then the Grim Reaper, with cold and calculated precision (another gratuitous trite phrase) aims his steady scythe first at Dorian. Ana, seeing this, throws herself on the Reaper's scythe (thanks, Will, for that literary device from Romeo & Juliet).  As the reader can see, even though she disentangled herself from the messy portrait business, she remained as vapid as ever.  

 

[Warning to children & others:  do not try this at home.  Throwing yourself on sharp objects, ending your life for a lost love or ANY reason, or threatening to or thinking about doing are very serious.  Seriously.  Bad parody aside.]

 

 The Reaper stealthily captured Mick during a botox procedure to keep those fantastic lips.

 

So, they all left the world, only minimally improved from basic shallowness.   And, there, my readers, you have it: a Grey literary mash-up. (Not so hard because both men in the originals were callow.)  A mash-up with some elements for the "greying" crowd (pun intended).

 

     ----Author; wisely disavows public connection

     ----Published: USA, TakeAdVANTAGE Books, 3 years from never

 

*For my Christian readers: don't think I've turned on you.  I didn't read the "50" series nor see the movie; just read about them.

For those who object to "50" on domestic violence grounds, please don't think I'm making light of your concerns.  Concerns noted. I agree that Christian Grey shows very abusive tendencies, whatever someone might think separately about BDSM.

 

 

President's Day

     We've had 44 [as of this posting] men who've led this country under the Constitution (plus eight more who led it under the Articles of Confederation).  This month let's take more than just a day to remember them; however much we might criticize them, it's a tough job.

Walden Pond

The "footprint" of Thoreau's cabin 

Walden Pond, near Concord, Massachussetts

 

     Henry David Thoreau wrote his famed essay/book Walden about his approximate year-and-a-half living in a cabin near Walden Pond.   It was publishe in 1854.  Though some assume he spent his entire time isolated there, he went into the town of Concord with some regularity.  He also entertained guests at his small cabin.               

Temperature Conversion Chart

As the seasons change, a guide:

60 Degrees Fahrenheit.  Southern Californians shiver uncontrollably.  New Englanders sunbathe.

40 Degrees F.  Italian & English cars wont' start.  New Englanders drive with the windows down.

20 Degrees.  Floridians put on heavy coats, gloves, wool hats & thermal underwear.  New Englanders throw on a flannel shirt.

0 Degrees.  All the people in Miami freeze to death.  New Englanders close the windows.

20 Degrees Below Zero.  Californians fly to Mexico.  New England Girl Scouts start selling cookies door-to-door.

40 Below.  Washington, D.C. runs out of hot air.  New Englanders let the dogs sleep in side.

60 Below.  Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.  New Englanders get frustrated because they can't start their "kahs."    ---Anonymous circular

Camp Puns

 

 

D-Day

 "We’ll start the war from right here."   --General Ted Roosevelt*, Jr., D-Day**

*President Theodore Roosevelt's oldest son.
**June 6, 1944:  storming the beaches at Normandy, the Allies got off-course, and Roosevelt knew he had to take action. There was no turning back.