"Summer ends, and autumn comes, and he who would have it otherwise would have high tide always and a full moon every night.”   — Hal Borland

What Do You Call....

...twins?
Infant replay.

...a male surfer?
Man overboard.

carrot juice?

Hare tonic.      (Junior High Humor)

 

Holy Humor

During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

 

GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.

She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

 

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?

 

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.

Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.

 

UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

 

BEING THANKFUL

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

 

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say,

"And all girls."

This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"

Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!

 

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

"I don't need to," the boy replied.

"Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook. 

 

---anonymous e-mail circular

 

More (*groan*) e-Mail Puns

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.                

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid,
but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went,
and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,
but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns.
It was a play on words.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory.
I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection -- urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A Thesaurus.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen.
The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro -- what a rip off!

And if you doubt the one about how Moses makes tea,
I assure you Israeli true.

   ----Anonymous

Mother's Day Blessings

Daughter (R), Son (L), now both young adults


Almost looks like the same kid!  Seems like only yesterday...

Slow It Down!

Now we have "O." Before we had "W." Together that's "OW." No wonder we're all hurting. Wild pendulum swings are painful.  --Marie Byars

"The Fifth Marx Brother"

        Margaret Dumont (born Daisy Juliette Baker).  Believe it or not, this lovely lady went on to repeatedly play the stuffy, dowager widow in multiple Marx Brothers' movies.

My Inconclusive Travels

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.

                                 ---anonymous (e-mail circular)

Political Brinkmanship

Remorse

Remorse is memory awake,
Her companies astir--
A presence of departed acts
At window and at door.

It's past set down before the soul,
And lighted with a match,
Perusal to facilitate
Of its condensed despatch.
---from the poem by Emily Dickinson

 

The Real Laws of Nature

Forget Newton and Galileo. Here are the real laws of nature:

1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5.Supermarket Law - As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument- Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better... But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the pediatrician. 

--From an anonymous e-mail circular

A Sobering Political Thought

SERENITY PRAYER, November 2012 edition: God grant me the serenity to accept we currently have a 2 party (only) system, the courage to work to change that, and the wisdom to vote the best I can in the meantime.   ---Marie Byars

This Time of Year

"Autumn, the year's last, loveliest smile."   --William Cullen Bryant

Oh, Behave!

When ISTP's(*) go to formal worship, they have to fight these following urges: (1) to make the person next to them laugh at inappropriate times (2) to find a toolbox to fix all the squeaks & rattles in the sanctuary (3) to touch up the places where the painter didn't cover the walls evenly (4) to take in everything about other worshippers (from a back pew vantage point) while remaining anonymous (5) to sneak out 5 minutes early (6) to whisper in the pastor's ear while shaking his hand, "What do you wear under that robe, anyway?", and (7) to tell "tall tales" during fellowship hour to: (a) see what others will really believe and (b)deflect what the ISTP really has on their mind.

(*It's a Myers-Briggs personality type thing.)

Punography

(from an e-mail circular)

• I changed my I-Pod’s name to Titanic. It's syncing now. 
• When chemists die, they barium. 
• Jokes about German sausage are the “wurst.” 
• A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. 
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. 
• This girl said she recognized me from the Vegetarian Club, but I'd never met herbivore. 
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down. 
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. 
• They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O. 
• PMS jokes aren't funny, period. 
• A class trip to the Coca-Cola factory: I hope there's no pop quiz. 
• Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. 
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. 
• Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? 
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. 
• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me! 
• Broken pencils are pointless. 
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. 
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. 
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. 
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. 
• Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
• Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
• I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
• Never fall in love with a tennis player because to a tennis player, love means nothing.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

Experience

I stepped from plank to plank

So slow and cautiously;

The stars about my head I felt,

About my feet the sea.

I knew not but the next

Would be my final inch,---

This gave me that precarious gait

Some call experience.  ---Emily Dickinson

Blessed Easter

"For I passed on to you what I received as of first importance: that Christ died for our sins, according to the Scriptures; that He was buried; that He was raised on the third day, according to the Scriptures..." ---St. Paul, (I Corinthians, 15: 3-4)

Centrist Politics

"I am a man who believes with all fervor and intensity in moderate progress. Too often men who believe in moderation believe in it only moderately and tepidly and leave fervor to the extremists of the two sides -- the extremists of reaction and the extremists of progress. Washington, Lincoln . . . are men who, to my mind, stand as the types of what wide, progressive leadership should be."—Theodore Roosevelt
"I was no party man myself, and the first wish of my heart was, if parties did exist, to reconcile them." —George Washington

"I have always sought for the middle ground."—James Madison
"There is nothing which I dread so much as a division of the republic into two great parties, each arranged under its leader, and concerting measures in opposition to each other. This, in my humble apprehension, it to be dreaded as the greatest political evil under our Constitution."—John Adams
"We [must] hold the just balance and set ourselves as resolutely against improper corporate influence on the one hand as against demagogy and mob rule on the other."—Theodore Roosevelt
"Be practical as well as generous in your ideals. Keep your eyes on the stars, but remember to keep your feet on the ground."—Theodore Roosevelt
"Partisanship must end at the waters edge."—Harry S. Truman
"The middle of the road is all of the usable surface. The extremes, right and left, are in the gutters." —Dwight D. Eisenhower

Fortunate, Cookie

"Any activity becomes creative when the doer cares about doing it right, or better."

"Don't wait for success, start ahead without it." ---Chinese fortune cookies

Love Deeply & Loved Deeply

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. This is how God showed His love among us: He sent His One and Only Son into the world that we might live through Him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the payment of our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we ought to also love each other.... If we love each other, God lives in us, and His love is made complete in us.... We love because God first loved us." ---St. John (from I John 4:7-12; 19)

Happy St. Valentine's Day!!!