Oh, Really?

Q: How are a personal security agent and a flamboyant poet alike?

A: One is a "bodyguard" and the other is a "gaudy bard." ---Marie Byars       

The Mighty Baywolf (an epic)

[with NO apologies to Beowulf nor my high school English teachers]

There is a Saxon Fierce
As strong as 30 steers
Who claims he's felt no fears
In all his 80 years.
'Round him rise up jeers
From warriors chugging beers.
Baywolf rises as he leers
Greeted by his brave band's cheers.
What I see now does certainly beat all
In this, the cold and stench-filled mead hall:
Baywolf, standing proud and tall
Sees his opponents 'round him fall
As his troops prepare to maul.

Soon all that are left are a foolish two
Who faint in fear when Baywolf says "Boo."

"Beowulf", 1910
from Hero-Myths and Legends of the British Race

Baywolf, the victor, feels quite bold
And turns to his men, ready to scold:
"Comrades-in-arms, you know I am old
And down to my bones I am always cold.
But, you, young men, are not very bold,
For rather than bathe, you're covered with mold.
And unless we kill this bard, 'twill always be told
How, among us, this ignominious day
Men fell around us this disgraceful way
As your own odor greeted each nose,
And they fell dead, without any blows."

As they turn on me quickly,
I let out a plea:
If before I die, they'll humor me,
And find me a word that rhymes with "orange."

----C. Marie Byars
 

No April Foolin'

 

Photo taken & "improved" by my daughter. My "alter ego", Grouch Marx.

The 50 Shades of the Picture of Dorian Christian Grey

[trash reading for the literary-minded*]

Dorian Christian Grey was exceptionally good-looking and successful in business... whatever that business was.  His friends keep reminding him of how handsome he is.  He sees other people in business aging, being treated as irrelevant, and, well, just not looking "hot" anymore.

 

Dorian had had his portrait painted by an up-and-coming artist.  The portrait and Grey's patronage launched this painter.  But now, Dorian decides he will make a deal with the dark side: he will sell his eternal soul for eternal youth.  His aging and every ugly deed he does will show up on the portrait, instead, which he keeps hidden.

 

 He seduces and marries a young girl, "Anesthesia" (because she quickly dulls the mind, being so vapid). After a few "off-beat" encounters with her (which he had insisted upon, despite her half-hearted commitment), Grey decides he needs something much more bizarre to maintain interest.  He makes Ana sign a contract adhering to absolute secrecy on her part,  agreeing to do whatever he says. He then shows her the portrait and forces her to do weird, unspeakable things with it. (Therefore, I will not speak of them.  But, unfortunately for her, they do not involve body paint.) 

 

 

There are other sources of twisted enjoyment for Grey in this bizarre set-up. He also takes some sort of strange pleasure out of watching his portrait and his wife age while he does not.   He furthermore gets a cheap thrill that "runs like electric current through the very core of his being" [just had to throw in the gratuitous Harlequin romance-type comment] by having her always refer to him as "Mr. Grey, sir."  He enjoys her degradation at watching the French maid (another gratuitous addition) refer to him as "Mon Cheri" or "Babycakes."

 

This goes on for decades.  However, the French maids come and go because, well, they aren't "hot" anymore. Ana realizes his immortal soul is in danger... and, amazingly, she still cares.  At last, she throws caution to the wind, and saves them both.   She throws the portrait in the fire, and he instantly ages. 

 

Grey feels freed and embraces his new life... a life in Depends, which by now has become a "fetish" for both of them. With his business connections, they become spokespeople for Depends, and meet Mick Jagger on the Rolling Stones Depends Tour. 

 

They all live happily ever after... well, at least for about five years.  Then the Grim Reaper, with cold and calculated precision [another gratuitous trite phrase] aims his steady scythe first at Dorian. Ana, seeing this, throws herself on the Reaper's scythe [thanks, Will, for that literary device from Romeo & Juliet].  As the reader can see, even though she disentangled herself from the messy portrait business, she remained as vapid as ever.  

 

[Warning to children & others:  do not try this at home.  Throwing yourself on sharp objects, ending your life for a lost love or ANY reason, or threatening to or thinking about doing are very serious.  Seriously.  Bad parody aside.]

 

 The Reaper stealthily captures Mick during a botox procedure to keep those fantastic lips.

 

So, they all left the world, only minimally improved from basic shallowness.   And, there, my readers, you have it: a Grey literary mash-up. (Not so hard because both men in the originals were callow.)  A mash-up with some elements for the "greying" crowd (pun intended).

 

     ----Author; wisely disavows public connection

     ----Published: USA, TakeAdVANTAGE Books, 3 years from never

 

*For my Christian readers: don't think I've turned on you.  I didn't read the "50" series nor see the movie; just read about them.

For those who object to "50" on domestic violence grounds, please don't think I'm making light of your concerns.  Concerns noted. I agree that Christian Grey shows very abusive tendencies, whatever someone might think separately about BDSM.

 

 

President's Day

     We've had 44 [as of this posting] men who've led this country under the Constitution (plus eight more who led it under the Articles of Confederation).  This month let's take more than just a day to remember them; however much we might criticize them, it's a tough job.

Walden Pond

The "footprint" of Thoreau's cabin 

Walden Pond, near Concord, Massachussetts

 

     Henry David Thoreau wrote his famed essay/book Walden about his approximate year-and-a-half living in a cabin near Walden Pond.   It was publishe in 1854.  Though some assume he spent his entire time isolated there, he went into the town of Concord with some regularity.  He also entertained guests at his small cabin.               

Temperature Conversion Chart

As the seasons change, a guide:

60 Degrees Fahrenheit.  Southern Californians shiver uncontrollably.  New Englanders sunbathe.

40 Degrees F.  Italian & English cars wont' start.  New Englanders drive with the windows down.

20 Degrees.  Floridians put on heavy coats, gloves, wool hats & thermal underwear.  New Englanders throw on a flannel shirt.

0 Degrees.  All the people in Miami freeze to death.  New Englanders close the windows.

20 Degrees Below Zero.  Californians fly to Mexico.  New England Girl Scouts start selling cookies door-to-door.

40 Below.  Washington, D.C. runs out of hot air.  New Englanders let the dogs sleep in side.

60 Below.  Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.  New Englanders get frustrated because they can't start their "kahs."    ---Anonymous circular

Camp Puns

 

 

D-Day

 "We’ll start the war from right here."   --General Ted Roosevelt*, Jr., D-Day**

*President Theodore Roosevelt's oldest son.
**June 6, 1944:  storming the beaches at Normandy, the Allies got off-course, and Roosevelt knew he had to take action. There was no turning back.

Ballot Box

Central Park Caricature

Looks like me....only moreso!

A Different Course

"In a world that's often unnecessarily cruel, strive to be unfailingly kind."     ---C. Marie Byars

O Tannenbaum: New Translation

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree, How steadfast are your branches! Your boughs are green in summer's clime And through the snows of wintertime. O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree, How steadfast are your branches! O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree, Your boughs can teach a lesson That constant faith and hope sublime Lend strength and comfort through all time. O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree, Your boughs can teach a lesson. --More direct translation from the German (and more meaningful)

More for Lexophiles

•  To write with a broken pencil is . . . pointless.   ✐       
•  When fish are in schools they sometimes . . . take debate.     🐟🎣    
•  A thief who stole a calendar . . . got twelve months.     

                                       

•  When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , . . . U.C.L.A.   🌆      
•  The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes . . . was on shaky ground.        
• The batteries were given out . . . free of charge.  🔋
•  A dentist and a manicurist got married. .. . . They fought tooth and nail.  💅 🦷
•  A will is a . . . dead giveaway.        
•  With her marriage, she got a new name . . .  and a dress.
•  Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you . . . A-flat miner.
• You are stuck with your debt if . . . you can't budge it.
•  Local Area Network in Australia : . . . The LAN down under.
• A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat.   🥚
• When you've seen one shopping center . . . you've seen a mall.
• Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was . . .resisting a rest.   👮🚨🧒🚸      
• If you take a laptop computer for a run you could . . . jog your memory.
• A bicycle can't stand alone; . . .it is two tired.
• In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes. 🧛🤴
•  When a clock is hungry . . .. it goes back four seconds.
•  The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . . . was fully recovered.
•  He had a photographic memory . . . which was never developed.  📷📸
•  Those who get too big for their britches will be . . . exposed in the end. 👖
•  When she saw her first strands of gray hair, . . . she thought she'd dye.   👵

---From an anonymous e-mail circular 

A Time for Everything

To paraphrase from words more divinely eloquent than mine:

"There is an appointed time for everything.  
And there is a time for every event under heaven ~

 A time to economize, and a time to expand;
A time to plant, and a time to uproot what is planted.
 A time to regulate, and a time to deregulate;
A time to criticize opponents, and a time to build consensus.
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance.
A time to be merciful , and a time to close borders;
A time to embrace, and a time to shun embracing.
A time to search for truth, and a time to give up searching;
A time to expand business, and a time to support the environment.
A time to debate, and a time to bring together;
A time to be silent, and a time to speak.
 A time to love, and a time to hate;
A time for war, and a time for peace. 
What profit is there to the populace from our toils?  I have seen the task which God has given the sons of men: to be wise stewards of earthly resources to use in the Kingdom of God.  He has made everything appropriate in its time."   

          ----Marie Byars, from Ecclesiastes 3:1-11

"Summer ends, and autumn comes, and he who would have it otherwise would have high tide always and a full moon every night.”   — Hal Borland

What Do You Call....

...twins?  👶👶🥕🥕🥕
Infant replay.

...a male surfer? 🏄🌊
Man overboard.  👣

...carrot juice?  

Hare tonic.  🐰🐇     (Junior High Humor) 

Holy Humor

During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

 

GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.

She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

 

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?

 

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.

Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.

 

UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

 

BEING THANKFUL

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

 

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say,

"And all girls."

This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"

Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!

 

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

"I don't need to," the boy replied.

"Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook. 

 

---anonymous e-mail circular

 

Even More (*groan*) e-Mail Puns

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.    🍵             

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.  🖉

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid,
but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went,
and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,
but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns.
It was a play on words.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory.
I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection -- urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A Thesaurus.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen.
The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro -- what a rip off!

And if you doubt the one about how Moses makes tea,
I assure you Israeli true.

   ----Anonymous

Mother's Day Blessings

Daughter (R), Son (L), now both young adults


Almost looks like the same kid!  Seems like only yesterday...