My Son's "Christmas" Humor

An English Major Walks Into a Bar...

*A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs.

*Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

*A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

*A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, sees the handwriting on the wall, but hopes to nip it in the bud.

*A cliché walks into a bar---fresh as a daisy, cute a s button, and sharp as a tack.

*Two quotation marks walk into a "bar."

* A synonym strolls into a tavern. 

---from bluebirdofbitterness.com

Wisdom for Life

• Death is the #1 Killer in the world.
• Life is sexually transmitted.
  
• Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one could die.
  
• Give a person a fish, and you feed them for a day.  Give a person the internet, and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
  
• Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
  
• All of us could take a lesson from the weather.  It pays no attention to criticism.In the 60's, people took acid to make the world look weird.  Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it look normal.
  
• Don't worry about old age: it doesn't last that long.
  

   --"Anonymous"; e-mail circular

Wiry

The audio on a commercial started out:  "Tired of itchy bands and digging wires?"  I was thinking about dental braces (which I recently got).  Turns out it was an ad for bras!   😉

Alphabet Soup

Apparently, I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.  I don't know "why"....  😉 
---Anonymous

Signs of Life

A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER: 

"We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you."

AT AN OPTOMETRIST’S OFFICE:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've
come to the right place."

ON A PLUMBER’S TRUCK:
"We repair what your husband fixed.”

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes.     Sit...   Stay.."

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully.  We'll wait."

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

Sign on the back of a Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - this truck is full of Political Promises."

Chamber Secrets

Term limits by sexual harassment... what couldn't be accomplished by Congress limiting themselves is coming about by Congress not limiting itself.  😅     ---Marie Byars

In Business We Trust....

"Business ethics":  an oxymoron.

Mad Hatter

Another Generic Meme

Again, you're welcome!

(And, yes, the "puke green" is intentional.)

Food for Thought

Italians have "antipasto" and they have "pesto."  But they don't seem to have "anti-pesto."  I wonder if they're overrun?!?!     --Marie Byars   🍝

More Wisdom for the New Year

"When opportunity knocks, some people are in the backyard looking for four-leaf clovers."  ---Polish Proverb

NEWS EXTRA!!!!

BREAKING NEWS: The FBI is investigating irregularities into the 2016 World Series. Director James Comey has decided to make this information public before there are leaks from Kurds attempting to show that Russians were attempting to influence the outcome of America's favorite pastime.
      It has recently been revealed that the originator the Cubbies' curse, William Slanis, was actually of Russian origin; his actual name was William Stanislavsky. He was a Cold War era spy for the Russians. Although Communism has failed and Slanis has long since passed, there is evidence that his Moscow relations, close friends of Vladimir Putin, had been working with WikiLeaks founder, Julian Assange, to influence the outcome. The attempt was to create a tied score, to create more disruption and suspicion in American culture at a time when many Americans were already saying, "Holy smokes... how'd we end up in this situation?"
      This came after high-ranking Russians insisted that they would be observers at all games, to ensure that the outcome was not rigged. Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred, in private talks which were secretly recorded by the CIA & just made public, said, "It's absolutely possible for you to have observers at at the Word Series. It's called 'buying a ticket.' Just make sure you do it early." There are now investigatons opening into how many World Series seats were bought by Russians, their exact positions in the stands, and how the tickets were paid for.
      There are also investigations into complaints from all major league teams that the umpiring was rigged throughout the entire season. Many fans took up this position over the season, but felt their opinions went unheard. Ken Bone (the "red sweater guy") commented exclusively (to every major news outlet) that a system is rigged when you can no longer yell at the umpire, "The ump needs glasses!", due to political correctness run amok. (This in spite of his own use of eyewear.) His remarks are under suspicion, now, because he first gained fame by wearing a RED sweater ("red" for Cardinals, not for communists, at least not until more innuendo surfaces) and talking in ST. LOUIS!!!
Russians, knowing that baseball is already steeped in superstition, felt that they could mastermind this. If successful, their next step was to muscle into the Ukrainian vodka business, the true fuel of that part of the world.
      Neither Putin nor Assange would comment. But it has been discovered they speak regularly on red phones named "The Bat-**** Super-Crazy Phone."
It is not known yet whether Facebook founder Mark Zuckerburg has been favoring the posts of one team over the other. Alogorithms are being carefully analyzed by the FBI, the CIA, and Mad Magazine.
      Megyn Kelly is undergoing serious new hairstyling, sources reveal, to be prepared to take on this story live. Although Ms. Kelly would not comment herself, one of her staffers leaked, "It's so stupid to have to make it about a woman's hair at a time like this, but you know how it is..."

Hail, Hail, Fredonia

This is no foolin'.... Fredonia is for real, and I've been there! 

But no "Duck Soup" in sight!

Ubiquitous

 

 

 

From my fevered brain:

 

 

Also:

"I don't always create memes,

But when I do, they're formulaic & ubiquitous."

Oh, Really?

Q: How are a personal security agent and a flamboyant poet alike?

A: One is a "bodyguard" and the other is a "gaudy bard." ---Marie Byars

The Mighty Baywolf (an epic)

[with NO apologies to Beowulf nor my high school English teachers]

There is a Saxon Fierce
As strong as 30 steers
Who claims he's felt no fears
In all his 80 years.
'Round him rise up jeers
From warriors chugging beers.
Baywolf rises as he leers
Greeted by his brave band's cheers.
What I see now does certainly beat all
In this, the cold and stench-filled mead hall:
Baywolf, standing proud and tall
Sees his opponents 'round him fall
As his troops prepare to maul.

Soon all that are left are a foolish two
Who faint in fear when Baywolf says "Boo."

Baywolf, the victor, feels quite bold
And turns to his men, ready to scold:
"Comrades-in-arms, you know I am old
And down to my bones I am always cold.
But, you, young men, are not very bold,
For rather than bathe, you're covered with mold.
And unless we kill this bard, 'twill always be told
How, among us, this ignominious day
Men fell around us this disgraceful way
As your own odor greeted each nose,
And they fell dead, without any blows."

As they turn on me quickly,
I let out a plea:
If before I die, they'll humor me,
And find me a word that rhymes with "orange."

----C. Marie Byars
 

No April Foolin'

 

Photo taken & "improved" by my daughter. My "alter ego", Grouch Marx.

The 50 Shades of the Picture of Dorian Christian Grey

[trash reading for the literary-minded*]

Dorian Christian Grey was exceptionally good-looking and successful in business... whatever that business was.  His friends keep reminding him of how handsome he is.  He sees other people in business aging, being treated as irrelevant, and, well, just not looking "hot" anymore.

 

Dorian had had his portrait painted by an up-and-coming artist.  The portrait and Grey's patronage launched this painter.  But, now, Dorian decides he will make a deal with the dar kside: he will sell his eternal soul for eternal youth.  His aging and every ugly deed he does will show up on the portrait,  instead, which he keeps hidden.

 

 He seduces and marries a young girl, "Anesthesia" (because she quickly dulls the mind, being so vapid). After a few "off-beat" encounters with her (which he had insisted upon, despite her half-hearted commitment), Grey decides he needs something much more bizarre to maintain interest.  He makes Ana sign a contract adhering to absolute secrecy on her part,  agreeing to do whatever he says. He then shows her the portrait and forces her to do weird, unspeakable things with it. (Therefore, I will not speak of them.  But, unfortunately for her, they do not involve body paint.) 

 

 

There are other sources of twisted enjoyment for Grey in this bizarre set-up. He also takes some sort of strange pleasure out of watching his portrait and his wife age while he does not.   He also gets a cheap thrill that "runs like electric current through the very core of his being" (just had to throw in the gratuitous Harlequin romance-type comment) by having her always refer to him as "Mr. Grey, sir."  He enjoys her degradation at watching the French maid (another gratuitous addition) refer to him as "Mon Cheri" or "Babycakes."

 

This goes on for decades.  However, the French maids came and went because, well, they weren't "hot" anymore. Ana realizes his immortal soul is in danger... and, amazingly, she still cares.  At last, she throws caution to the wind, and saves them both.   She throws the portrait in the fire, and he instantly ages. 

 

Grey feels freed, and embraces his new life... a life in Depends, which by now has become a "fetish" for both of them. With his business connections, they become spokespeople for Depends, and meet Mick Jagger on the Rolling Stones Depends tour. 

 

They all live happily ever after... well, at least for about five years.  Then the Grim Reaper, with cold and calculated precision (another gratuitous trite phrase) aims his steady scythe first at Dorian. Ana, seeing this, throws herself on the Reaper's scythe (thanks, Will, for that literary device from Romeo & Juliet).  As the reader can see, even though she disentangled herself from the messy portrait business, she remained as vapid as ever.  

 

[Warning to children & others:  do not try this at home.  Throwing yourself on sharp objects, ending your life for a lost love or ANY reason, or threatening to or thinking about doing are very serious.  Seriously.  Bad parody aside.]

 

 The Reaper stealthily captured Mick during a botox procedure to keep those fantastic lips.

 

So, they all left the world, only minimally improved from basic shallowness.   And, there, my readers, you have it: a Grey literary mash-up. (Not so hard because both men in the originals were callow.)  A mash-up with some elements for the "greying" crowd (pun intended).

 

     ----Author; wisely disavows public connection

     ----Published: USA, TakeAdVANTAGE Books, 3 years from never

 

*For my Christian readers: don't think I've turned on you.  I didn't read the "50" series nor see the movie; just read about them.

For those who object to "50" on domestic violence grounds, please don't think I'm making light of your concerns.  Concerns noted. I agree that Christian Grey shows very abusive tendencies, whatever someone might think separately about BDSM.

 

 

Temperature Conversion Chart

As the seasons change, a guide:

60 Degrees Fahrenheit.  Southern Californians shiver uncontrollably.  New Englanders sunbathe.

40 Degrees F.  Italian & English cars wont' start.  New Englanders drive with the windows down.

20 Degrees.  Floridians put on heavy coats, gloves, wool hats & thermal underwear.  New Englanders throw on a flannel shirt.

0 Degrees.  All the people in Miami freeze to death.  New Englanders close the windows.

20 Degrees Below Zero.  Californians fly to Mexico.  New England Girl Scouts start selling cookies door-to-door.

40 Below.  Washington, D.C. runs out of hot air.  New Englanders let the dogs sleep in side.

60 Below.  Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.  New Englanders get frustrated because they can't start their "kahs."    ---Anonymous circular