Monday, April 1, 2024
Failed Products
Wednesday, February 7, 2024
Truman's Swans
Friday, January 12, 2024
Spare No Expense
Saturday, June 24, 2023
Prince Harry in a Can
- "Todger sheaths" (blue-colored would be best sellers)
- Snake in a can joke-- Harry still recounts with relish the way he was able to pull stunts on others. He could roll out his own snake popping out of the can practical joke line.
- Dried bananas-- the prince reports bananas are a favorite food. Bananas have also figured into some of the couples' internet and royal outing stories...
- Dried mushrooms-- the big surprise would be that they are actually culinary mushrooms and NOT psychedelic mushrooms!
- Ginger Snaps or Ginger Chews (a real thing)
- Removable hip flask of hooch (see, also, below for tequila-specific suggestions). These small tins were, after all, first designed as pocket tins.
- Photo trading cards of the heroic Sussexes saving the world!
- Empty can would make a great cell phone carrier: it might block hacking! He could market this as a 2-in-1 purchase!
- Toilet paper for Arctic & Antarctic adventures
- Tequila minis-- best choice, a joint venture featuring Casamigos Tequila, co-founded by erstwhile acquaintance George Clooney and once shilled by cousin-in-law Jack Brooksbank. He might even get a deal to chug it on camera with Stephen Colbert. [It seems "recovery" from substance abuse means different things to different people, although the recovery community is quite clear about what it means to them.]
- Dried, 'smoked' roast chicken. Apparently roast chicken is another favorite dish of the prince's. [I wonder if the chickens in the Montecito coop realize this; it could make them pretty nervous if they do.] There are several ways that the chicken could be smoked...
- C**k cushion for extreme cold weather adventures. Who knows-- maybe they could even be sold in the small can? I don't really want to know that much detail. [That was a common sentiment of many readers along about January 2023.]
- There's a product sold called "Candle in a Can." Considering painful connections between "Candle" and either of Princess Diana's sons, we will pass on this and wish both men peace in this regard.
- "Air from [Name Place]" is something that is actually sold. Perhaps the California prince could sell "Air from Montecito." (Maybe Montecito is far enough out to avoid the serious smog of L.A.? No one would want "Air from Los Angeles.") There are plenty of "hot air" jokes to Spare here.
- Sterno-type Stove in a Can. Besides melting some snow to rehydrate that dried chicken in a can on your Arctic adventures, you could warm up your freezing todger a bit.
- Empty can would make a great toupee carrier. Or maybe sell "Toupee in a Can." You never know when that time might come for this prince or any man. This would be a great-crossover into cold weather adventure supplies: keeping the bald pate warm on outdoors adventures. This is another 2-in-1 marketing angle.
- In fact, launching a whole line of outdoors adventuring supplies 'in a can' could work. You, too, can go camping (or glamping) with Prince Harry, even if you can't afford to do so in Botswana.
- The empty can of either size could be used as an old-fashioned "hair receiver": save your falling hair for 'future use' in a custom toupee (if you don't purchase a pre-made toupee in the can). Still another 2-in-1 marketing plus.
- Either size could be offered in the "Dior Suit Coronation Version."
- Sadly, no "dry humor" in either can, despite the other dried goods possibilities. Harry's humor doesn't trend in that direction, not even with the help of a renowned ghost writer. Harry's is more the "in your face", unsophisticated type, often practical jokes at others' expense, if Spare is at all accurate.
More Ducal Branding
Saturday, April 1, 2023
More Groucho Marx Quotes
- The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
- I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
- I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
- Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
- I intend to live forever or die trying.
- A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
- All people are born alike-- except Republicans and Democrats.
- Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
- A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
- She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
- Either he's dead, or my watch has stopped.
- Why, a four-year-old child could understand this. Run out and find me a four-year-old child: I can't make head nor tail out of it.
- Before I speak, I have something to say.
- Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
- Humor is reason gone mad. --Groucho Marx
Saturday, October 1, 2022
Contranyms
Monday, August 1, 2022
Internet [Clean] Aging Humor
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are
probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means "don't spill your Diet Pepsi in the car."
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new
midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand-new day, and I'm off like a
herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be
referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound
effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes
back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the
seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the
money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say
"nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three
days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed
the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I
squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound
like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly
remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words
like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would
be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life
out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those
people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
Friday, April 1, 2022
I Think I Am
A guy walks into a bar. The bartender is a horse. He says, "Oh, hey Rene, you want the usual?". Rene says "Yeah sure. Why the long face?". The horse and bar disappear because they were never, in fact, real and the only thing that definitely did exist was Rene.
Descartes: Umm..I think not. And he disappears.
Tuesday, March 1, 2022
Sledding (Mis)Quotes by Marie
"I sled, therefore I am" --Rene Daycart
"Climb every mountain... Then sled down." --Oscar Hammerstone
"Sometimes a sled is just a sled." --Sigmund Fraud
"I came, I saw, I sledded." --Julius Freezer
Monday, November 1, 2021
Poison Ivy
Touch my skin and make me hive-y.
Blotchy skin and splotchy face:
Itchy, itchy every place!
Should have looked a little closer,
Maybe purchased from a grocer;
Should have brought a field guide:
Now I've got that stuff inside!
Thought I knew the out-of-doors---
Wandered over hills and moors---
Now I think I'll stay at home:
'Til tomorrow---then I'll roam.
---C. Marie Byars, 1986
Sunday, March 1, 2020
More Corny Jokes
π½π½π½π½π½π½π½π½π½π½
What did the mommy rope say to the baby rope?
"Don't be knotty."
How do you make an orange giggle?
Tickle its navel. π
What kind of candy is never on time?
Choco-late. π¬
What do you get when you cross an elephant with Darth Vader?
An ele-vader. π ππ₯
What has four legs, one head, but only one foot?
A bed. ππ
What are a storm's undergarments?
Thunder wear. ☂⛆
Why was the broom late for work?
It over swept.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole-in-one. π
Why did the banana wear sunscreen at the beach?
It didn't want to peel. π
What do you call a dentist who cleans alligator teeth?
Crazy!!! π
Saturday, February 1, 2020
Corny Jokes
π½π½π½π½π½π½π½π½π½π½π½π½π½π½π½
Why do you eat sausage on February 2nd?
Because it's "ground hog."π·π·π·πΉπΉπΉ
What's a baby's motto?
If at first you don't succeed, cry, cry again.
What kind of craft does a pine tree do?
Needlepoint! π
What did the tomato say to the mushroom?
"You look like a fungi [fun guy]."
Where does the trombone stay off the merry-go-round?
Because it likes the slide. π΅π΅π΅
Why aren't the trumpets on the slide?
Because they like to swing. πΊπΊπΊ
Why don't Dalmatians like baths?
They don't like being spotless.
Why did the hamburger quit answering questions?
If felt like it was being grilled. ππ
What did the cake say to the knife?
"You want a piece of me?"
What's the cleanest section in the choir?
The soap-ranos. πΆπΆπΆ
On a stoplight, red means "stop" and green means "go."
When does red mean "go" and green mean "stop"?
On a watermelon! ππππ
Sunday, August 4, 2019
Why Did That Chicken Cross the Road?
(Some of this is a bit behind the times, but you all still know the references.)
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
Monday, January 29, 2018
Signs of Life
A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER:
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you."
AT AN OPTOMETRIST’S OFFICE:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've
come to the right place."
ON A PLUMBER’S TRUCK:
"We repair what your husband fixed.”
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit... Stay.."
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
Sign on the back of a Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - this truck is full of Political Promises."
Monday, March 27, 2017
Food for Thought
Italians have "antipasto" and they have "pesto." But they don't seem to have "anti-pesto." I wonder if they're overrun?!?! --Marie Byars π
Thursday, November 3, 2016
NEWS EXTRA!!!!
BREAKING NEWS: The FBI is investigating irregularities into the 2016 World Series. Director James Comey has decided to make this information public before there are leaks from Kurds attempting to show that Russians were attempting to influence the outcome of America's favorite pastime.
It has recently been revealed that the originator the Cubbies' curse, William Slanis, was actually of Russian origin; his actual name was William Stanislavsky. He was a Cold War era spy for the Russians. Although Communism has failed and Slanis has long since passed, there is evidence that his Moscow relations, close friends of Vladimir Putin, had been working with WikiLeaks founder, Julian Assange, to influence the outcome. The attempt was to create a tied score, to create more disruption and suspicion in American culture at a time when many Americans were already saying, "Holy smokes... how'd we end up in this situation?"
This came after high-ranking Russians insisted that they would be observers at all games, to ensure that the outcome was not rigged. Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred, in private talks which were secretly recorded by the CIA & just made public, said, "It's absolutely possible for you to have observers at at the Word Series. It's called 'buying a ticket.' Just make sure you do it early." There are now investigatons opening into how many World Series seats were bought by Russians, their exact positions in the stands, and how the tickets were paid for.
There are also investigations into complaints from all major league teams that the umpiring was rigged throughout the entire season. Many fans took up this position over the season, but felt their opinions went unheard. Ken Bone (the "red sweater guy") commented exclusively (to every major news outlet) that a system is rigged when you can no longer yell at the umpire, "The ump needs glasses!", due to political correctness run amok. (This in spite of his own use of eyewear.) His remarks are under suspicion, now, because he first gained fame by wearing a RED sweater ("red" for Cardinals, not for communists, at least not until more innuendo surfaces) and talking in ST. LOUIS!!!
Russians, knowing that baseball is already steeped in superstition, felt that they could mastermind this. If successful, their next step was to muscle into the Ukrainian vodka business, the true fuel of that part of the world.
Neither Putin nor Assange would comment. But it has been discovered they speak regularly on red phones named "The Bat-**** Super-Crazy Phone."
It is not known yet whether Facebook founder Mark Zuckerburg has been favoring the posts of one team over the other. Alogorithms are being carefully analyzed by the FBI, the CIA, and Mad Magazine.
Megyn Kelly is undergoing serious new hairstyling, sources reveal, to be prepared to take on this story live. Although Ms. Kelly would not comment herself, one of her staffers leaked, "It's so stupid to have to make it about a woman's hair at a time like this, but you know how it is..."
Friday, April 1, 2016
Hail, Hail, Fredonia
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Oh, Really?
A: One is a "bodyguard" and the other is a "gaudy bard." ---Marie Byars
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
The Mighty Baywolf (an epic)
There is a Saxon Fierce
As strong as 30 steers
Who claims he's felt no fears
In all his 80 years.
'Round him rise up jeers
From warriors chugging beers.
Baywolf rises as he leers
Greeted by his brave band's cheers.
What I see now does certainly beat all
In this, the cold and stench-filled mead hall:
Baywolf, standing proud and tall
Sees his opponents 'round him fall
As his troops prepare to maul.
Soon all that are left are a foolish two
Who faint in fear when Baywolf says "Boo."
Baywolf, the victor, feels quite bold
And turns to his men, ready to scold:
"Comrades-in-arms, you know I am old
And down to my bones I am always cold.
But, you, young men, are not very bold,
For rather than bathe, you're covered with mold.
And unless we kill this bard, 'twill always be told
How, among us, this ignominious day
Men fell around us this disgraceful way
As your own odor greeted each nose,
And they fell dead, without any blows."
As they turn on me quickly,
I let out a plea:
If before I die, they'll humor me,
And find me a word that rhymes with "orange."
----C. Marie Byars